When a baby is born, a family is also born. And with it, a new world that did not exist before. Other identities emerge, ties are reorganized and even time seems to change its rhythm. That moment, which seems so intimate, is a small universal revolution. A Big Bang. That is precisely the starting point of We will embrace the chaos for you (Lunwerg, 2025), a book written by Silvia Nanclares (Madrid, 50 years old), also an editor and cultural activist, and illustrated by María Hesse (Huelva, 43 years old) that reflects how the arrival of a new life forces us to invent a new way of being in the world.
To do this, they go through the first year of different family models that are in a parenting group organized by the midwife of the health center in a random neighborhood in Madrid. In it, although different dynamics and contexts can be seen, all families seem to share similar concerns related to fear, loneliness, doubts, tiredness of parenting or the awareness that the system is not with them. Because, as Nanclares recalls, this experience is deeply conditioned by two factors: the health of mother and child (if the birth has gone well, if there have been no admissions or pathologies) and the material conditions. For the author, it is not the same whether you have paid leave or not; whether you have a job to return to or not. Or if you have your own house or, on the contrary, you are overlooking the risk of the end of an imminent rental. “If those two pillars are strong, everything that comes is possible to navigate. And if it is in company, thanks to public services, then even better,” he explains.
The book reads: “How many times do we judge the parenting decisions of other families as if we were free to make them.” To organize logistics, families depend on the flexibility of jobs, the support network, savings and, many times, also luck. Says Hesse, a mother of one, that she learned very quickly not to give too much importance to other people’s opinions. He also soon stopped paying attention to manuals or experts who explain how to breed. “My role models are made of flesh and blood: friends whom I admire and whose way of parenting inspires me,” she says. She also admits that many times she feels lost, but other times she doesn’t even have time to think about it. “Honestly, I think it’s very hard not to judge, because in some ways we do it to validate our own parenting choices.” But consider that it is important to learn to silence those opinions and, above all, learn to support others.
A moment of crisis
Far from the romantic ideal or advice parentingyour book shows the postpartum period as a vital crisis. “It’s a roller coaster with all its ups, downs, loops and brakes,” says Nanclares. Regarding this stage, the writer, who is a mother of two children, believes that there is a lack of listening and considers that as a society we lack awareness of how this phase is a strong crisis from the most physiological level of the women who have given birth and carry out breastfeeding to the emotional level with potential partners and the rest of the family. “If someone dies, we are very clear that it is a moment of support and of being very aware of the people who are grieving,” however, as she points out, when a life is born “Everything is put into celebration and joy mode and there is a lack of complexity to look at that moment of crisis (undoubtedly joyful, but just as strong) that comes with becoming a mother and a family.”
Hesse believes that the most disconcerting thing about having children is precisely the mourning for the person you were, for the life you had and to which you will not return. “Little by little you recover pieces, but you will no longer be at the center of your life,” he says. For the illustrator, one discovers an immense and wonderful love, but, at the same time, one misses having time to do nothing or to improvise. And, no matter how much they tell you about it, you never fully understand it if you don’t live it. “Sometimes I think that there should be a funeral or a farewell party for the life that is leaving, to assimilate it better and so that others also understand, within its context, how brutal it is,” he says. It is no coincidence that Hesse recovers her baby-universe here—portrait and book cover—because for her it represents the fear of the unknown. “It’s a Big Bang that comes to destroy everything to create something new, and that seems very beautiful to me. It’s something to build and to know,” he says. But he also believes that this concept opens the door to a broader family reality, without sex and race that delimits it.
Reinvent the tribe
Although we live hyperconnected, misunderstanding and loneliness around parenting is a constant. For Nanclares that is very paradoxical, but it has an explanation, because what used to be knowledge that was passed from mouth to mouth, generation to generation, has slowed down a lot with the consumer society: now everything is an item that you can buy. That’s why he says they wanted to break a spear and pay tribute to public services, such as midwives, who fight to create and maintain parenting groups. “Having health centers nearby, spaces to be, parks in good condition, a city that embraces you… is essential to achieving more livable lives,” he maintains.
Family meetings function as safe spaces for support, relief and complicity in a deeply individualistic context. What happens in those meetings that are so important? “That you get together with people who are in the same life moment, or who have just gone through it, and who know what to tell you,” Nanclares responds. This is what a decade ago authors such as Carolina del Olmo or Carolina León already pointed out as that tribe without which it is very difficult to raise. However, a posteriorithe writer considers that it is a term that has been burned, especially due to the tension between theory and practice. Also because sometimes it becomes another imposition on the already saturated mental load of mothers.
In the book, they influence the idea of mothers ninja trying to adapt to the pace of work. “Postpartum is chaos, but returning to work and accompanying babies who are increasingly curious, alive and in need of life is another level,” reads We will embrace the chaos for you. What is wrong with the work model to make this stage so chaotic and exhausting? For Hesse, there is a lack of work flexibility and, of course, time. “Families need to feel that we are more than professionals and fathers or mothers; we need a little piece of the time that those who decide not to procreate enjoy,” he says. Nanclares points out that mothers are still the classifiers of dangers, clothes, medical appointments, birthdays… and that there “we have a big problem to look at.” Greater co-responsibility on the part of parents helps to distribute this burden, and allows parenting to stop being a full-time job that falls mainly on one person. However, at the moment she sees presence, but not so much anticipation, which is where women are always, anticipating and preparing the ground: “They are encouraged to participate in parenting, but perhaps they still lack experience and specialization in that overall logistical vision that is holding a life in your hands.”
