Toddler Phase & Husband’s Reaction | Parenting Struggles

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 3-year-old son is going through a phase where all he wants to eat is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I’m willing to indulge him until it passes, but my husband is becoming impatient and wants to give him the choice of either eating what’s in front of him at mealtimes or going without. His rationale is “he’ll eat when he gets hungry.”  Who’s right?

—Sandwich Showdown

Dear Showdown,

I’m with you. It’s a phase; it’ll pass. What’s the hurry? Indeed, “impatient” is an interesting word to describe how your husband is feeling about your child’s eating. I am pretty sure he knows that eventually PB&J will lose its appeal (especially if your 3-year-old eats it at every meal for weeks on end) and your son will want to expand his culinary palate.

It seems to me this is more about asserting authority (“You’ll eat what I tell you to eat”) than anything else. What your husband suggests as the right way to handle this—and I’d bet the ranch it was the way his own childhood quirks and small rebellions were met by his parents—sets up mealtime as a test of whose will is stronger, Dad or kid. Yes, the parent—who controls the food, as well as virtually everything else in a small child’s world—will win, sooner or later. But “winning” is not the point of parenting.

Perhaps you could find a way to gently remind your husband of that fact. Perhaps you might also obtain a copy of the delightful book Bread and Jam for Frances by Russell and Lillian Hoban and read it to your child. (Pro tip: All the Frances books are great, and 3 is a wonderful age to start having them read to you. They all very gracefully, sweetly, and hilariously explore common childhood troubles, worries, rituals, and those terribly annoying—for parents—phases. And while the gorgeous audiobook of Frances’ stories narrated by Glynis Johns is no longer available for sale, it can be found on Soundcloud for your child’s—and your—listening pleasure.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

What’s the latest guidance on screen time for teens? We have an amazing 14-year-old who wants more time on his screens. He gets straight As, has a good friend group, participates in a sport and a school club, is kind, and helps the family out with chores. Right now, he gets three hours of screen time a day on the weekends and an hour a day on school days. His screen time is mostly social, playing everything from Minecraft to first-person shooter games with friends.

My wife and I are hesitant (one of us more than the other), as our current screen limit creates more natural space for moments of connection with his family, his dog, his music practice, and reading. At the same time, most of his friends seem to get way more screen time than he does. Any recommendations on how we should think about this? We’d like to come up with a solution with him rather than dictate house rules.

—Don’t Want a Screen-Time Standoff

Dear Stand-off,

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) doesn’t recommend a particular number of hours of screen time for teenagers (a detailed explanation of why can be found here). And I think your thoughtful account of your son’s varied activities, commitment to schoolwork, and friendships suggests that he would be an excellent partner in determining, with you, what a reasonable time limit would be. Ask him what he’s hoping for and why he’s hoping for it.

You might even try an experiment (making it clear that it is an experiment, over a short time frame): How much time does he end up spending online when there is no limit? This would give you and him good information as you (and he) figure out how to keep his screen use from swallowing up his life. After the “experiment” is over, talk it through, and together set up time limits, which all of you will reconvene to review at some predetermined time. (The AAP even offers a site for making a detailed plan with ideas of what limits might look like—like, say, choosing one day a week to be fully screen-free.) Of course, if his extended screen time begins to interfere with his real life, revisit the plan even sooner.

The most important things here, it seems to me, are that he knows you have his back—that your decisions aren’t arbitrary—and that you trust him. What I would not do is force “moments of connection” or other uses of his time that you deem important (that’s a fast road to resentment, especially as he moves through ages 15 and 16 and beyond). And—this should go without saying—do practice what you preach, screenwise.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for a number of years, and due to financial constraints, we can no longer afford to pursue IVF and are looking into adoption. My parents have been incredibly supportive, but my in-laws have shocked me. My mother-in-law, “Camila,” in particular, told us it would be a mistake to take in a “second-hand kid.” She claims that adopted children “typically have a mountain of behavior problems” and that she could never love an adopted child like she could if they were our biological kid.

This has been incredibly hurtful. I don’t want to have anything more to do with her if she is going to insist on being this heartless. My husband thinks she is reacting out of grief that she won’t have any biological grandchildren, and that we need to give her some time to process the news. I think she’s already revealed herself for the shallow person she is. Are my instincts correct, or does she deserve a second chance?

—Kids Come from the Heart, Too

Dear Heart,

Everyone deserves a second chance. None of us wants to be judged for our worst moments. Perhaps she is heartless and/or shallow. She’s offered you a glimpse into the possibility that she will treat your child badly, so keep an eye out; make sure she doesn’t. But keeping an eye out doesn’t mean not giving her the opportunity to love your child. I’ve seen with my own eyes that once a real-life grandchild is in the picture, ideas about what that may feel like to a grandparent who was against adoption can quickly go out the window. Only time will tell.

I understand that she badly hurt your feelings. What she said was, at best, both thoughtless and cruel. But you don’t have to respond that way. It is always—always—better to be generous than not.

—Michelle

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