Stay-at-Home Dad: The Unexpected Challenges & Complaints

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “John,” and I have a 1-year-old. Before we conceived, we had a whole plan. We’d have two kids, close together. John would work, and I’d stay home until they were ready for school, with some help from my mom. Then I’d go back to work too. But my mom got sick, and now my siblings and I are helping her. John got laid off shortly before our son was born. His whole industry is in freefall, so I went back to work after my maternity leave, and he stayed home. His job offers wouldn’t even cover the cost of daycare.

John’s a great dad, but he’s really unhappy with this arrangement. He feels isolated and ashamed that he’s not working. There are no other stay-at-home dads for him to do stuff with, and he says the moms are standoffish. I suggested we could get part-time babysitting so he can work part-time to feel more connected, but he insists he has to go back full-time or nothing. I try to make sure I’m taking on child care and household stuff when I get home, but it’s never enough. John’s suggestions are all impossible financially, but he’s struggling. My suggestions about part-time school for a career change, or part-time work, all get brushed off, but realistically, we cannot afford for him to work right now, with the kinds of offers he’s received. I don’t like this arrangement either, but I don’t see another way out! How can I help?

—Unexpected Switch

Dear Unexpected Switch,

It seems your husband might have some insecurities and maybe even some disappointment about not being able to provide in the way you both discussed before having your baby. It’s not his fault, and the job market is tougher than ever, but that doesn’t lessen the feelings he seems to have about the outcome. If he were to write in, I’d advise him to open up to you about his true feelings and allow you to help.

But since he didn’t, my advice to you is to have one more major conversation. This time, though, find people who can help him who are not you. One free resource is a headhunter, someone who helps pair companies with top talent. You can often just submit your resume to be added to their pool at no cost. Career coaches could also give him advice, similar to what you gave him, about changing careers and what it could encompass, but they may charge. However, depending on where you live, there may be some free community resources, too. For example, if he’s considering entrepreneurship, he can likely get some free coaching from a local small business development center, or your local library might have some career development programming.

Granted, some of these people might say some of what you’ve already been trying to explain to him, but it’s different when the advice comes from an outside party. If he feels he’s letting you down, he might think your suggestions aren’t really about what’s best for him but what’s best for your family’s current situation. Sometimes, that’s the same thing! And sometimes, it’s not. So, letting others help him navigate this could be best for all.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three girls under 6, and the youngest is a 16-month-old clinger who cries or SCREAMS about everything. And I mean everything. This is new to me because my first two truly only cried when hungry. They didn’t even cry when they fell or got their shots.

My youngest cries (or rather, screams bloody murder) if you gently tell her no, if she doesn’t have the same food on her plate as somebody else, if you pick her up to wait in line, if you guide the baby shopper cart because she is running into people, if you wipe her nose, if she has to wipe her hands, if the yogurt bites are in a bowl and not the bag, if she has to use her water bottle and not mine, and so on.

I have brought it to the pediatrician to ask about neurodivergence—that would not be new to our family—but she told me that I just have a strong-willed kid and that none of what I described flagged her for autism spectrum disorder or anything else. My daughter is extremely smart but isn’t able to talk yet, and she has just started using American Sign Language, but it’s not helping communicate her needs enough to avoid the tantrums (I don’t know if they’re actually meltdowns because it’s literally everything, everywhere, all at once, and all the time). Advice? Will this ever end? What is this like when they’re bigger?

—Town Crier

Dear Town Crier,

First of all, this is normal! Not every baby cries a lot, but many do. It sucks being small, new to the world, and wanting things without being able to express yourself well. Plus, everyone’s older than you. And they can communicate with each other? No fun! Also, not fair! So her solution? A nice little scream to level set things, and even out the playing field.

Having a baby that’s not like your previous kids can be a little confusing as a parent because it throws off everything you thought you knew. My best friend had twin girls who were not criers at all. They were very independent and were quick to walk and easily communicate their wants. So when she had her third daughter, who was very much her own person and different from the twins, my friend was sometimes at a loss. She did what you did: asked medical professionals for advice on her development and was reassured that everything was fine. So you’re not alone.

I don’t think this will last forever. Once she can communicate better and is able to express herself, you can then implement practices that’ll help her calm down some. My toddler niece gets frustrated when she can’t do something because, as she likes to tell you about herself, she’s “a big girl!” But now, she’s 3, and around 2 years old, her mom was able to hold her hand when she would get frustrated and start to cry, and help instruct her through a breathing exercise that would soothe her. Then, my niece could return to her task in a much better state. So, give it a few months. Hopefully, you’ll both find your own way to bring the temperature down from a 10 to two. It’ll all be easier soon!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I love my parents, but they are not the best when it comes to sensitive issues like body image and weight. Both of them have wanted to lose weight all of their lives, and projected their own insecurities on both my brother and me growing up.

It used to really get to me. I even yelled at my mom at a doctor’s office over it when I was young and on the scale. But through time and distance, I’ve found a way to manage them. Don’t give them an inch, don’t talk about it, and go silent when they mention dieting. It works for me, and honestly, I’m not bothered by their comments at all anymore. Until recently.

My brother and I have both undergone some visible weight changes over the past two years, and now they’ve begun to pit us against each other. They’ll praise me and how I look and tell me to encourage my brother to do what I’ve been doing (I would never). I hate it! They mask some of it as a concern for our “health,” but I know a lot of it is good old-fashioned fatphobia. I obviously use the same tactics when they mention my brother, but I don’t like hearing them talk about him this way behind his back. It feels different than just fielding their negative comments and intrusive probing about myself. I don’t want to cut back on my time with them (I’m willing to accept that this is their one big flaw), but how do I get past this annoying new iteration of their same old tired speeches?

—Leave Him Out of It

Dear Leave Him Out of It,

As hard as it is to do, even as adults, you have to at least try to set a boundary with your parents. I say try because if your parents are like mine, they don’t really believe in children setting boundaries. But when something they say or do truly bothers me, it’s important that I try—for myself and for my sanity.

If your parents have been saying the same types of comments to you for your whole life, it might be difficult for them to change, especially because it stems from their own insecurities about their own bodies. But you’ll never know what could change if you don’t try. You should think about exactly what you want to say so that you don’t get so frustrated one day that you have a sudden outburst. Instead, plan out a conversation about it. Best-case scenario? They hear you and understand your position and try to limit their comments about you and your brother. Worst-case scenario? Nothing really changes, but they know your clear position on the topic, and your brother also knows you tried to peacefully stop the comments. And you’ll get past this latest iteration of their same, tired speeches by knowing you spoke up.

—Arionne

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