Speech Delay & Family Conflict: A Mother-in-Law’s Strange Claim

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a new mom to a wonderful, beautiful 18-month-old. My family is quite close, and I’m blessed to have parents who are involved and love my son as much as I do. The problem is that my mother believes she knows best about everything.

She will question every decision I make, from how much milk my son drinks (his pediatrician told us to cut back, and she insists that he’s too young for milk to be restricted) to whether his speech delay is “real” (we were referred to early intervention and she tried to insist that nothing was wrong and it was “all in my head”). Worse, when I disagree with her on a decision and decide to do what I think is right, she will push and push and push until I snap at her or she leaves town (she travels extensively), and the issue gets resolved without her.

Most of the time, she is a loving, involved grandmother whom I genuinely trust to want the best for my child. But 1 percent of the time, she drives me up a wall with her unwillingness to take no for an answer. Plus, her insistence on doing everything “her” way is making it hard for me to understand whether she actually thinks I’m doing something dangerous or unwise, or if I’m simply not doing it the way she would. She was (is) a great mother, and I would love to be able to ask her for advice, but I need her to understand that when I make an informed decision about my child, she needs to respect it and not badger me about every detail. Is there a way to address this and preserve our otherwise good relationship?

—Wits’ End

Dear Wits’ End,

You are going to have to master the art of saying, “Really? You don’t say!” and “Hmm, I’ll take that under consideration,” not to mention the distracted “Mmm-hmm” and change of subject.

In other words, don’t spend your energy trying to get her to take no for an answer. You don’t owe her an answer at all. She doesn’t get a vote about how to take care of your child, and she certainly doesn’t get to insist on anything where he’s concerned. But as I see it, there’s no percentage in your telling her that—not if you’re trying to keep the peace with her, even as you wish she’d stop offering her opinions. The key to solving this problem is developing confidence in yourself, your instincts, your knowledge, and your trust in what your doctor tells you. It seems to me the only reason you’re inclined to debate her, push back, or outright fight with her is that you’re afraid she’s right (at least some of the time). But there is no reason to assume that your mom knows better than you if you’re doing something “dangerous or unwise,” even if she was/is a “great mother” herself. (I’m sure she loves you very much, but criticizing the way you care for your baby is not, in fact, great. She’s human, and she has flaws—yes, even as a mother.)

Your mom isn’t (shouldn’t be!) the boss of you. These are not her calls to make. But since telling her that would undoubtedly lead to hurt feelings and defensiveness (“I’m only trying to help!”), try showing her who the boss is instead. Do what you think is best, and work hard on not letting her certainty that she knows better get to you.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I have 8-year-old boy/girl twins, “Aiden” and “Amelia,” who still sleep in the same bedroom (they have bunk beds). My mother-in-law, “Claire,” has lately been giving my wife and me grief over this, claiming that because they are of different genders, sharing a bedroom at their age is not appropriate. Aiden and Amelia are perfectly happy with this arrangement, but Claire has been extolling the virtues of having their own room to them for the last month. My wife refuses to step in to tell her mother to knock it off. Can I tell her to shut up already?

—Not Your Kids, Not Your Business

Dear Business,

Are you worried that Claire will convince the kids they aren’t happy with this arrangement? Have the kids started to advocate for separate rooms? (They surely will, in approximately three years, but I see no reason to separate them now—unless they beg for it.) If this is what concerns you (that she is brainwashing your children), you have my permission to say gently to Claire that while she’s entitled to her opinion, you don’t approve of her sharing that opinion with her grandchildren: If she wants to have a conversation about this, it needs to be with the grownups.

In a grownup-to-grownup conversation, you can let her have her say, tell her (again?) that you don’t agree—and if she brings it up again (she will), instead of telling her to shut up (which I do not recommend saying to anyone, ever), simply tell her that you have registered her concern and remind her politely that you are not of the same mind. Then, if she keeps bringing it up, you can tell her the subject is closed—or, if your wife feels that’s too harsh, learn to tune her out. What difference does it make what she thinks? As I just told Wits’ End: This is not her call to make.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have two boys, “Robert,” 4, and “Axel,” 8. Robert ate the last of Axel’s Valentine’s Day candy last week without permission, and Axel came up with a devious way of getting back at him.

Robert loves orange juice, and Axel told him that because he ate so much candy, now if he drinks orange juice one more time, he will “get diarrhea forever.” (I know how stupid this is!) So now Robert won’t drink OJ. He cries because he wants it so badly, but is afraid of what will happen if he does. Despite repeated reassurances from both my husband and me, Robert remains unconvinced that he will be fine if he drinks his OJ. What do we do to persuade him?

—OJ Outrage

Dear Outrage,

What you want to focus on is not persuading Robert to go ahead and drink his OJ (if I were you, I’d offer him an actual orange instead—a much better choice nutritionally speaking) but on helping him to understand what happened here: His brother was mad, he made something up that he knew would cause him distress, and Robert’s best course of action is to 1) apologize for the candy theft, and 2) in the future, take what his big brother tells him with a grain of salt, especially when he knows Axel is mad at him.

He will probably still be anxious about drinking OJ, now that the idea of it causing harm has been implanted, but, as I say, that’s not a bad thing. Consider it a blessing in disguise, and steer Robert toward water when he’s thirsty and whole fruit instead of juice. And tell Axel to be more careful with anything he doesn’t want his 4-year-old brother to get into. Maybe explain impulse control, and how 4-year-olds don’t have it yet. Also, maybe (speaking of nutrition), don’t let either of the kids have so much candy on hand that it lasts for weeks—less temptation for the little one, and better health for both.

—Michelle

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My husband and I have a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old. We have a wedding coming up (my cousin, whom I like but am not especially close to) and I’m torn about whether or not we should make the six-hour drive with our kids. As it’s a kid-free wedding, we’d need to find a local sitter, plus I’m breastfeeding (and struggling to figure out the logistics of keeping the baby fed while we’re gone as well as pumping during the wedding). The trip would also be expensive.