Rediscovering Self After Loss | Grief & Identity

He had just lived with Eva when she felt a lump on her neck. Must be nothing, right? GP, fever, MRI, biopsy. An apartment in the center of Tilburg, their lives still ahead of them. Until the bump turned out to be malignant, and Eva was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 22, and it was clear that she would never get better.

“Everything went black when I heard it. A kind of haze, I can barely remember how I felt or what exactly was said. From that moment on, my life was all about Eva.”

First year without Eva

Because of Eva’s exuberant and engaging personality, it did not take long before the whole of the Netherlands sympathized with her. On Instagram she kept her followers informed weekly about her life, illness and all developments and Matthijs mainly took the supporting role. Yet he now takes the leading role for a while, following in the footsteps of Eva, who in her book Pulmonary, talks extensively about her life and her illness, even with a book: Unforgettable – A year later, about Eva, loss and the joys of remembering.

“A lot has happened this year, and yet it feels like time has stood still. For my own processing and because Eva has helped me live in the now, I have decided to tell the whole story one more time. Writing was emotional, but also very nice. I talk about the last weeks with Eva and what this first year has been like without her.”

Eva is his first serious relationship. Matthijs met her nine years ago in a club in Tilburg, even though they are both not going out types. After three dates it was on, because it immediately felt familiar, fun and serious. After two years they lived together. Matthijs and Eva have known each other for four years when she becomes ill and get married a year later. “The most beautiful day of my life. Everything was nice and Eva felt very good that day. She was really beautiful and so very happy.”

Never finished talking

Even though they were still young when they met, Matthijs and Eva could talk very well. “Eva always took the initiative, I have to admit that. I am a bit more closed, but I never stopped talking to Eva. It always felt natural and nice, even if we didn’t say anything for a while. Looking back, I can say that I learned to communicate through Eva.”

Because of her ADHD, she always immediately sensed the moods of others. When he came home from work tired and curt, she immediately asked if something was wrong or if she had done something wrong. “I was not aware of any harm. She took a sarcastic joke very seriously. She interpreted signals differently than I intended, and we have really grown together in that regard.”

“In my relationship with Eva, I learned to express myself. I was quite an introvert, especially in groups. At the core, I still am. Yet I notice that I thaw more quickly and dare to talk to people more often. Because Eva was so open, people also spoke to me more often. That is nice, especially when they have a question themselves. That often happened when Eva was ill, and still sometimes now, although it is clearly less.”

During Eva’s illness there was a lot of room to talk about how things were going, and a lot of interest. Now that she has passed away, the story seems closed to many people. Or they think that a conversation about Eva is only sad and loaded. “Maybe they think I don’t want to hear about it, but I prefer to talk about Eva all day long. I like to visit her family to chat about her and reminisce. I think anyone who has lost someone would love nothing more than to talk about that person.”

‘I think about Eva all the time’

Death hurts, of course, but there is also so much beauty and fun to share, Matthijs believes. “People seem afraid of sadness, as if it only evokes negative emotions. As a result, they dare to ask fewer questions, perhaps especially now, because it has been longer. But I constantly think about Eva, someone’s question does not change that. It sometimes seems as if people are afraid of causing me sadness again.”

In the beginning everyone asked about it, now only a few people do. “My parents of course, my brother and sister. Very nice. After a few months you notice who really wants to know how you are doing, they are often people who have experienced something similar themselves or people with a lot of empathy. I find it strange when the subject remains completely untouched, as if there is a pink elephant in the room.”

Many people fear that the entire conversation will only be about that loss, but it helps if it is mentioned, even if only for ten minutes. Among friends the subject sometimes disappears completely. “Maybe they don’t know how to ask the deeper questions. I don’t blame them; I don’t always ask what I need myself, so I understand that it is difficult to start that conversation. Sometimes that leaves everything a bit on the surface and that feels strange.”

At first I wanted to bring it up myself, but I now accept that some people don’t deal with it the same way. It is also not necessary for everyone. In groups I often give a socially desirable answer instead of venting, so it feels like that fits better.”

Slowly put to sleep

The last weeks with Eva were surreal, says Matthijs. The book presentation of Pulmonary The appointment was brought forward twice on the advice of her doctor, and even though her health continued to deteriorate, Eva continued to do her best to sign bookmarks, arrange the latest matters with the publisher and keep her followers informed.

On the day of the book presentation, Eva enjoys her party. The next day the saying goodbye begins and she is eventually slowly put to sleep. “That period is still a kind of black spot for me. It was so hectic that it was difficult for me to get to my feelings. It also felt stupid, because we were waiting for something we didn’t want at all. We were waiting until Eva was no longer there.”

“Palliative sedation can last a few days, or even a week. It is very cold, because everything that was there is no longer. Eva could no longer communicate, I could no longer ask how things were going. I had no idea what to take into account or what to do. I just did what I felt. I lay next to Eva and held her.”

Eva’s Funeral Handbook described how she wanted her farewell. She had thought about everything. She did not want to die in their bed, because Matthijs still had to sleep in that, but in a rented high-low bed. That worked. She also wanted to lie in state at home and had found a garden shed especially for that. A public house.

“Eva wanted that house for me, but it turned out to be much nicer without a house. She looked so beautiful, in the denim suit from her book presentation that her mother and sister had put on her, and with beautiful make-up. She looked so sweet and soft, with a smile on her face. Ultimately, in consultation with Eva’s family, I canceled the bed house and Eva lay in the living room all week.”

‘What awaits me?’

Eva’s funeral was on Monday afternoon, in the middle of the forest. Full house, beautiful day and completely unreal. “Over the years I had often tried to imagine this moment, and yet it was different. Everyone was there and everything was beautiful. But that funeral passed, and the drinks with family stopped at a certain point.

I came home completely devastated, and there I felt the point. This was the first day that Eva is really gone. Super shit. Point. Now it’s just beginning, I knew. What awaits me? How am I going to feel? What am I going to do?”

The Christmas tree was already up, he had decorated it together with Eva. December is really her month and now she wasn’t there herself. Another awkward first time. December was horrible. The first Christmas without Eva, the first New Year without Eva.

“And those are the big moments, while the loss is so palpable in all the little first times. Going outside on my own, for example, felt very surreal. People just walked across the street as if nothing had changed. Everyone in the supermarket was worried about the offers, while I just thought: what difference does it make? The world is different now.”

Not just a jacket, her jacket

Eva has left all kinds of instructions about what should be done with her things. Some clothes are for her sisters, other items are for her family or friends. “That now feels like something that will never happen again. Her hairpieces are still in boxes. I really have to think about how I’m going to do that, but I don’t feel like doing that yet. Eva left the choice for me, so I’m putting it off for a while.”

“I didn’t expect myself to have such a problem with this. I’m quite down-to-earth and practical, but apparently it’s easier when someone is still there. Then a jacket is just a jacket, now suddenly it’s her jacket. Everything has a memory attached to it and it’s nice to keep it close.”

During her illness, Matthijs and Eva found each other a lot of support. Eva worried about who he would talk to when she was gone. “I said it would be okay, that I would talk to my parents. But now it turns out to be more difficult to process: I don’t feel with anyone what I felt with Eva. People want to talk to me and are there for me, but no one is my wife like Eva was. I misjudged that.”

Cycling around

You cannot prepare for this in advance, Matthijs found out. In the beginning he sometimes called people when the sadness was too great, but he does that less and less. “I’m withdrawing more now that I’m starting to get used to being alone. The panic has diminished, but the sadness remains.”

What helps? Being among people, taking a walk through the city, saying hello to someone. And cycling. “If I wake up grumpy and don’t feel like doing anything, I force myself to go for a spin, that always helps.”

The realization that they had so little time actually made their relationship better and stronger, Matthijs believes. “We never knew exactly where we stood, short became relative.” Instead of running away from difficulties, they chose to be together more and support each other and he often adjusted his life and planning to Eva.

“I went to all doctor’s appointments and consciously exercised during the hours when she had an afternoon nap. It is natural for me to put yourself second when your partner is terminally ill. My time will come later, I thought. We complement each other perfectly in this regard.”

Beautiful love story

It feels natural to involve Eva in everything, says Matthijs, who consciously talks about her in the present tense as much as possible. “I have promised to continue to wear my wedding ring, no matter what happens in the future. Eva leaves me free to do so, but I think that is very important. I don’t know if and when I will ever be open to a new relationship, that will come at some point.”

“Eva always said: ‘Grief is not a clock with a fixed number of years, please do what feels right’. And that’s what I do. It feels unfair that we had to let go of each other at the height of our relationship. My only reference is this beautiful, intense love story. How can anyone in the future ever match that?”

He dreads starting a new relationship from scratch. After all, you have to get to know each other all over again, and he already experienced all the milestones with Eva. “I’m afraid that I unconsciously reject someone too quickly because it doesn’t feel like it does with Eva. Yes, I want to have children, but for the time being I don’t feel in a hurry. I shouldn’t start looking for someone out of loneliness, first I have to be happy again. Sometimes I think: maybe I’ve already had my share of love. That’s fine.”