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Dear Pay Dirt,
What can couples mismatched in cleanliness do? My partner and I (both women in our 40s) have a great relationship, but this is our major issue. I am organized and tidy but not super into cleaning—I’d vacuum if there was something on the ground, wipe a counter if it’s dirty, but I don’t just mop and dust.
She is extremely messy. Her parents are hoarders, and she’s better than that, but she leaves dirty plates on the table forever, dirty clothes go on the ground for months. She puts trash next to the trash. She shoves rotting food to the back of the fridge. We have roaches and mice. She has ADHD and just doesn’t see mess. I hate cleaning up after her constantly.
I’ve been the less-clean roommate for most of my life, and I hated feeling like I couldn’t relax in my own home because someone was nagging me to wash dishes. And I don’t want her to feel like that! Is there any way I can care less about this, or for her to see her mess? She would clean, she just literally doesn’t see it. And me having to point it out sucks for both of us. We have a cleaner who comes once a week who she pays for, so we just really need minimal things during the week, like putting garbage in the garbage.
—Wish I Didn’t Care About This
Dear Wish I Didn’t Care About This,
Of course you care about this! You have cockroaches and mice living in your house! This isn’t about mismatched cleanliness standards—this is a health hazard. You can’t “care less” about pests and rotting food. That’s not an option.
Your partner’s ADHD is real, but “she just doesn’t see mess” stops being an excuse when vermin are living in your home. ADHD means she needs systems, not that basic sanitation is optional.
You and she need to have a very serious conversation about how you’re going to handle this. At the very least, try to get her to implement these steps toward self-care (which you’ll benefit from):
End-of-day reset routine. Set a phone alarm for 8pm every night. When it goes off, you both spend 15 minutes doing a house scan together: dishes to dishwasher, trash to bin, clothes to hamper, food checked and tossed if bad. Make it a team thing, not you policing her.
Therapy or ADHD coaching. If she “would clean but doesn’t see it,” she needs professional help developing systems that work for her brain.
Visual systems for ADHD brains. Add bins labeled “trash,” “dishes,” “laundry” in every room. If she puts trash “next to” the bin, that tells you the bin isn’t visible enough or convenient enough. So, make it impossible to miss and point it out during your next house scan.
Set consequences for pests. This will be the hardest one, but you have to tell her directly: “We have mice and roaches. I love you, but I can’t live like this. If the daily reset doesn’t work, we need to hire someone to come three days a week, and we split the cost.” If she can’t make this work, she needs to understand there are real consequences, and that you’re nearing—or are at the end—of your patience for the current living conditions.
You have to get over the idea that you’re a nag or making her feel bad. This is about living in a home that doesn’t have pests. If she can’t maintain basic sanitation even with systems in place, you need to seriously ask yourself if this relationship is sustainable long-term.
By the way, none of this should be your job. She should understand that this living situation isn’t working for either of you. You may want to consider solo-therapy, even as you ask her to start working with someone herself, so you understand why you’ve allowed yourself to get into a situation where you have to micromanage your partner in order to live pest-free.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
After a lot of soul-searching, I’ve decided to divorce my wife of five years. All we did was fight, and we had little in the way of sexual intimacy. The problem is that my soon-to-be ex-wife just had a baby a few weeks ago. I was thinking about divorce when I found out she was pregnant but decided to stay for the sake of the baby. It’s four weeks after the birth, and things are worse.
