Wishbone Backfired: Thanksgiving Wish Gone Wrong

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Last night on Thanksgiving, my wife and I split the wishbone, and I won. When she asked me what I wished for, my answer was for her to lose 10 pounds. She’s been furious with me since. I wasn’t trying to be mean—she’s been complaining that she needs to lose weight and what I meant was for her to be able to do it; it was just poorly phrased. I’ve tried to explain myself, but she thinks I’m trying to get out of trouble. Any ideas for smoothing this over?

—Don’t Wish Upon a Wishbone

Dear Wishbone,

Did you ever see the movie Hitchwhere Will Smith’s character gave real time dating advice to his client via a wireless headset? You need someone like that, but instead of dating advice, your coach will give you advice on how to talk to other humans—especially your wife. Until you’re able to find that person (which should be a priority), I’ll give you a script: “I’m really sorry for what I said. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m working on it.”

Dear Prudence,

I’m the child of a displaced non-white immigrant. In an effort to connect with my family’s culture, I cultivate an “exotic” fruit in my garden. Traditionally, this fruit is used in ceremonies and rites, so it has a spiritual aspect too.

This fruit is now in season, and strangers in my neighborhood are knocking on my door and leaving me notes asking if they can “have,” “try,” or “taste” these fruits. Some are even showing up with empty cartons to fill. These neighbors are not the neighbors who say “hi” to me—they are complete strangers. Furthermore, they are not asking to trade or barter, and they don’t seem to want to cultivate an ongoing friendship with me.

This behavior fills me with rage and conjures up the expectation that people like me are here to undertake low-cost agricultural labor or to selflessly share and patiently explain “exotic” cultural traditions. I also feel like they are treading upon my personal cultural practices—which have not been easy to establish or maintain given my isolation and the fact of my permanent separation from my familial homeland.

How do I tell these people to bug off without making them feel uncomfortable? I imagine telling them why I’m bothered (and I don’t think I should have to—because it is private), only for them to say “I had no idea you were not white and that this was not a secular thing for you.” But it’s pretty racist for them to make any such assumptions about who and what I am, right? Also, it’s interesting to note that my town is majority Black, but it’s only white strangers showing up at my door asking me to give them free stuff.

—I Am Stingy

Dear Stingy,

A sign could really help you out here. “Dear neighbors. A few people have asked to try the fruit I’m growing in this yard. Unfortunately, I can’t offer it at this time. Thank you for understanding!”

But the rage you’re feeling is about so much more than your “exotic” produce, or about your neighbors’ sense of entitlement. You have a lot to be legitimately pissed off about, starting with your parents’ displacement and probably including the sense of exclusion you’ve felt or discrimination you’ve experienced in this country. The feeling that you’re permanently isolated from your familial homeland hurts—and the ignorance, racism, and xenophobia that you’ve probably dealt with your whole life (I would guess, even more in recent years) can’t help either. You may be right that your white neighbors are entitled, but I’m not concerned about them (mostly because my being concerned about them wouldn’t change anything). I’m concerned about you trying to live your life in this country and in your neighborhood feeling isolated, disrespected, and so raw that someone saying “mind if I pick some fruit” is irritating you to your core.

You’ve got to do something to water down the influence that people who make you feel this way have in your life. I don’t know if that’s more time with your family, or a digital or real-life community of people from your parents’ country of origin, or fellowship with other immigrants, or working to improve the experience of those who have just arrived here. But I really feel you deserve to be around people in whose presence makes you, to put it simply, feel good and feel understood. A group chat in which you all joke about people who have the nerve to treat your front yard like a free farmer’s market won’t hurt either.

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Dear Prudence,

​​I have two problems, probably two sides of the same coin. I hate always being the one who keeps friendships going. I have a group of friends that get together at the same time every year. I organize it. Everyone seems to have a great time. The couple of times I didn’t have time to organize it, it just didn’t happen. I have parties, BBQs, social outings from time to time and the house is full, and people stay late, etc. But I’m never invited to anything at anyone else’s house. I have friends that I’ve had since I was 6 or 7 years old and we treasure those friendships. But if I didn’t get us together or get the group text chat going, the friendships would have died. I’m OK being this guy. I just wish that SOMETIMES someone else would step up, or invite me to something.

Also, I hate “let’s grab lunch/coffee/drink sometime.” I never say this as just a polite thing to say. If I say, “let’s grab lunch,” I mean it. I’ll follow up. I felt stupid a few times when I followed up with people and realized the other person had never really wanted to have lunch/coffee/drink. If I’m not really into that person I just say, “It was great to see you. I hope your ‘whatever’ goes great.” I’m good at social cues at work. I know who is upset, bored, anxious etc. I’m good at that with my wife, friends, co-workers etc. But I seem to have a huge blind spot when it comes to acquaintances. I never seem to know when they want to socialize or when just saying hi is enough.

I haven’t had a party/BBQ, etc. at my house in a couple of years because I’m irritated at always being the one doing the inviting and wondering if everyone was coming because they had nothing better to do and didn’t really care about being friends. I really hate this. I’m a good friend to those who want it. I have about 10-12 people I keep in fairly close contact with, but my fear is that if I wasn’t the “glue,” as my wife puts it, I’d never hear from them again.

—Resenting Always Being the Glue

Dear Glue,

Can I suggest a different take on what’s happening? We are living in a time when people don’t hang out, eat meals, and socialize in person as much as we used to and most people agree that it’s sad. In addition, phones have really messed us up when it comes to connecting with each other. We have too many options when it comes to people we can communicate with, and connection—or, at least a watered-down version of it—is easy enough to find while lying on our couches that many of us get lazy about real-life experiences. Add to that that plenty of people still feel rusty socially after pandemic lockdowns followed by years of working from home. Everyone’s lonely. It’s a mess.

And then there’s you: a hero! You’re a rare person who has maintained old-school social skills, who isn’t violently introverted or anxious, and who is naturally inclined to create community. You do the legwork to organize events where people can have fun, get to know each other, and enrich their lives. You pull people out of their shells. You may sometimes be the only one bringing to life a group chat that ends up making a depressed person’s day. Instead of fighting it, embrace the role. That is, as long as you are actually enjoying the events and hang-outs you initiate. To make sure you are, focus less on what your acquaintances are thinking and feeling and more on the feeling you’re chasing. If you enjoy a house full of people, buzzing with conversation on New Year’s Eve, who cares whether the party would have happened if you didn’t plan it?

All that said, you deserve to get something other than just a yes RSVP from your friends. Evaluate your relationships and ask whether people are showing up for you in ways unrelated to being a cruise director. Sending food when you’re sick? Being amazing listeners? Giving great compliments? Providing juicy gossip? There’s more than one way to contribute to a relationship. And hopefully everyone is doing something, and recognizing that might make you feel like things are less imbalanced.

My last thought is that you may need to work harder (or differently) to create deeper connection. There can come a time, depending on life circumstances and geography and free time, when friendships shift from being mostly event-based to mostly emotional connection-based. This means that even though the parties, BBQs, and outings are great, if you want to feel like you are really close to people, you’ll have to get to know your acquaintances beyond whether they’re free for game night on Saturday. Challenge yourself to learn about the unique ups and downs of their lives. When it comes to the people who you want to spend more time with, do you know exactly what they do for a living? Or how it’s going for them? What about their parents’ situations or any health challenges they may be facing? What do they listen to and read? What are their pets’ cutest antics? What worries preoccupy them? What are they normally doing on a Sunday night at home? What do they have going on this week that you might check in with them about? I think you can keep organizing events, leaning into the idea that this is your special role, while also ensuring that you have a few people who are there because of your close relationship, not just because you invited them and they said “Why not?”

Classic Prudie

My friend “Kira” recently discovered an online horse-breeding game. She quickly became obsessed with it. But the problem isn’t that she’s spending all her time on it. The problem is that she named all of her horses after me and my friends and is “breeding” us. I’m afraid to tell her this makes me uncomfortable because it’s all a big joke to her. She’s been encouraging all of us to join the game.