Forget the claptrap you see on rom-coms. And the Instagram version of relationships people curate for public consumption. Living with another human being over decades is hard work. It wears people down so they eventually lose the magic and racing pulse that drew them together in the first place. So often, long-term relationships or marriages can feel more like surviving than thriving. What makes it so hard to be married?
I sometimes get emails from readers taking me to task for portraying long-term relationships as the struggle and slog they are, like I have a distorted or cynical view of marriage. It’s actually because I believe so deeply in the institution of marriage (and have been married for over 44 years), because I’ve worked with the reality of what couples are up against as a couple’s therapist for more than three decades, that I feel entitled to speak what I see as the truth. I believe the more we speak the truth of the struggles involved in staying together, the better our chances to do so with dignity and purpose. Helping couples realize they are not alone in their boredom and despair, their confusion and their resentments—that there is meaning to their suffering—goes a long way toward helping them to realize the purpose of it all.
The goal of marriage and long-term commitment is not happiness. It is wholeness. If you think the reason for you to get married and stay married is to be happy, you will always feel you’re getting the short end of the stick, that you’re giving more than you’re receiving. If, on the other hand, you see the goal of marriage as wholeness and that your relationship struggles are part of how you achieve that wholeness, then your struggles will have meaning and purpose, and you’ll learn to stop cursing your partner for doing things that drive you crazy and recognize that they are pushing your buttons in a very meaningful way that is actually designed to help you grow into a fuller version of yourself.
I’ve written about these struggles many times, including here, hereand here. Today, what I want to validate is the different qualities that are required for long-term commitment vs. short-term excitement. In some ways, I think it’s analogous to aging: As we watch our skin sag and our physical vitality diminish, can we find something else that offsets the losses?
Here’s one example: I recently started working with a couple in their 70s, married 49 years. They were in the all-too-familiar state of resentful roommates, annoyed with each other in their best moments, contemplating divorce in their worst. Within four sessions and a little basic Imago communication training, this couple did a complete 180 in their relationship. They rediscovered each other in a way I found absolutely inspiring. What’s their secret? I think at least one element (in addition to having had a good marriage for the bulk of the 49 years) is that neither of them was invested in being right. This, I think, is one of the gifts of older age: You know in your bones there’s no upside to wasting energy on being right. It just doesn’t matter. Being right is not something anyone wants on their tombstone.
Another element that is a gift of getting older is that as the physical vitality decreases, the capacity for and interest in connection increase. Human connection becomes the #1 priority when the jet skis and golf clubs start gathering dust in the garage. To be able to rediscover the person you’ve been living with for decades becomes a gift that can be appreciated without leaving your home, with whatever physical limitations you each may have. And I believe this connection, based as it is on wisdom and maturity and consciousness, is a serious and meaningful upgrade to the intoxicating blindness of first falling in love.
