The word confidant comes from the Latin confidere, meaning “to trust” or “to have full trust or reliance.” It’s a fitting root for a profession in which we therapists are entrusted with others’ stories and asked to bring steadiness into the unknown. Yet, when I first became a therapist, confidence was the last word I would use to describe myself.
Confidence has long been a personal struggle—something that seemed hidden behind layers of self-doubt, fearand shame. I imagined it as something I had to “uncover,” something that would eventually arrive if I cleared enough internal obstacles.
Like many, I tried to compensate for inner uncertainty by reaching outward—earning certifications, reading endlessly, and attending trainings. I thought if I could just become skilled and knowledgeable enough, confidence would follow.
And for a time, it appeared to work. Compliments from clients, thank-you notes, and even successful outcomes gave me momentary boosts of confidence—yet, nothing that ever lasted.
A single missed connection or early termination could unravel all of it. I was chasing a fragile, unsustainable version of confidence—one that depended on my idea of what an ideal therapist was and external validation.
Fortunately, over 20 years of practice (and doing my own inner work), I learned that the issue wasn’t trying to get rid of self-doubt but how I chose to relate to it. Below are a few pointers I have learned about building confidence through my own journey as a clinician, mentor, and colleague.
Lessons I’ve Learned About Confidence
1. The presence of confidence is not the absence of self-doubt.
I still experience moments of self-doubt and insecurity. The difference now is that I don’t allow those moments to define me or guide my actions. Confidence, I’ve discovered, is not a fixed state of solidity. It is the quiet willingness to sit with the unknown and to learn how to hold, embrace, nurture, and support the parts of ourselves that are fearful and doubtful without being reactive to them. It is the honesty of acknowledging you will not have all of the answers, and it is a state of openness to learn.
Wilfred Bion’s emphasis on “not knowing” helped me accept uncertainty as a strength rather than a flaw. As I’ve matured, I’ve become more tolerant of doubt both within myself and my clients.
2. Confidence is built through self-forgiveness and compassion.
True confidence isn’t rooted in perfection but in the ability to respond to difficulty with kindness. When I say to myself, “It’s okay that the session didn’t go as I hoped—I did my best and learned something,” I shift from self-judgment to growth. Confidence grows not from flawless execution, but from allowing vulnerability to coexist with competence.
3. Confidence means having a greater perspective on our role.
Early in my careerI believed it was my job to fix everything. That impulse didn’t come from a sense of overinflated confidence—it came from the mission of the role of a therapist to “help others heal” and a concurrent deep sense of responsibility to that end.
Over time, I came to understand that while we are meaningful figures in our clients’ lives, we are not all-powerful. Many factors influence the outcome of therapy. Today, I feel fulfilled if I help a client take one honest step forward. Getting a bit biblical, Moses guided the Jews very close to the promised land but did not actually enter it with them. Like the guiding Moses, we too are an important part of our clients’ journey for a certain point of time, but we are not the end-all be-all of that continuous life journey. This more realistic and humbled view allows me to be more present, focused, and realistic about what can be achieved in the room.
4. Confidence grows when we are able to bring ourselves into session.
As a new therapist, I tried to mimic the styles and voices of others, hoping to find my professional identity through imitation. With time, I realized that confidence comes from authenticity. Being inspired by others is helpful, but ultimately the most fulfilling work comes from bringing your full, authentic self—your style, humor, creativityand humanity—into the therapy space. Clients feel safer and more connected when we are grounded in who we truly are. As such, I encourage all clinicians to follow your passions and interests, and nurture and support the way your wonderful and unique personality shows up in your practice.
5. Confidence is deepened through cultivating meaningful learning and self-care.
Early in my professional journey, I often pursued continuing education based on what I thought I should know, rather than what truly inspired me. Over time, I’ve come to understand that confidence doesn’t come from checking boxes — it comes from engaging in learning that feels meaningful, aligned, and energizing. When I follow my genuine interests, my growth is not only more sustainable but also more impactful.
Alongside this intellectual shift, I’ve also redefined what self-care means to me. It’s not just a way to avoid burnout — it’s a core part of my practice and way of being. Prioritizing self-care means making thoughtful decisions about what clients I would like to work with as well as setting boundariesnurturing passions outside of work, and creating a rhythm of life that supports long-term well-being. Research shows the importance of honoring our self-care and meaningful learning as a way to ensure and cultivate the true joy our work can bring.
Conclusion
Confidence, as I’ve come to understand it, is not about eliminating self-doubt but learning to work alongside it with compassion and presence. It grows through self-forgiveness rather than perfection, and it deepens when we let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace a more grounded view of our role as therapists. Confidence flourishes when we bring our authentic selves into the room—not a polished version, but a real one—and when we invest in self-care and learning that genuinely nourish us. Ultimately, confidence is built through a living practice, which involves the courage to embrace our relationship with doubt and vulnerability as if they were parts of us that needed our continued nurturance, guidance, and support.
