If you’re anything like me, you’re probably chronically online and hyperaware of the term ‘monitoring spirit” as it relates to social media interactions with friends. According to the many TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram videos, a monitoring spirit symbolizes a person who is perceived to be disguised as a friend offline, but intensely observes and gathers information about your lifeonline, without interacting with your content, leaving you to question whether they truly support you and your achievements, but are actually secretly envious.
I’ve had my fair share of internal dialogue regarding the monitoring spirit vs. supportive friend conversation, and to be transparent, I started to notice how many individuals I considered friends, didn’t consistently engage with my content online anymore, but would bring up certain things I’ve done, which left me perplexed, disheartened, but curious to what may be behind this behavior.
Here are the facts: many of us are lonelier than ever and crave genuine, offline connections. According to a recent studymore than six in 10 U.S. adults reported feeling lonely, and a majority say societal division is a significant source of stress in their lives. In contrast, half or more adults said they felt isolated (54%), left out (50%), or lacking companionship (50%) often or some of the time, proving that we want to be connected, but may not know how anymore, due to social media providing a buffer to surface-level connection.
So, how do we navigate cultivating strong friendships in the digital age? Becoming more aware of our behaviors online and the language we are using to describe the lack of connection. “When it comes to the phrase monitoring spirits, my perspective is less about debating whether the concept is real and more about whether it is useful for people as they try to make sense of their relationships,” said psychotherapist and founder of Bloom Psychology & Wellness, Meghan Watson.
Watson believes that it’s essential to be mindful and approach this kind of language with care. “When we move too quickly toward labels rooted in suspicion or fear, we can lose opportunities for curiosity and connection. In therapy, I would be less focused on validating the phrase itself and more interested in what it represents for the person using it. What are they noticing? What feels unsettling? What do they actually need in the relationship?” she shared.
“In many cases, especially with friendships shaped by social media, shifts in engagement have more to do with capacity, boundaries, or changing seasons of life than harmful intent. Approaching those changes with curiosity rather than accusation often creates more clarity and emotional safety than assuming someone is watching with ill will.”
Curiosity, Watson suggests, is what we should be leading with when trying to understand our friend’s behavior. Carmen Jones, the founder and CEO of The Black Girl Social Club (BGSC)agrees but advises Black women to follow their intuition. “As Black women, we’ve always known how to read a room. We know when something feels off. A friend who watches every story but never checks in, and celebrates you privately but never publicly, is making interesting choices to say the least. While these patterns don’t always mean harm, they do bring up some questions about the friendship and its dynamics,” she stated.
Jones believes that, as much as some want to deny it, online behavior is data and something to be aware of, but before writing your friend off as a monitoring spirit, consider how they show up as a friend offline. “Some people love loudly offline and move quietly online. What feels unsettling is when digital presence becomes performative, when someone stays close enough to monitor your growth but far enough to avoid participating in it. That’s not friendship; that’s proximity without responsibility,” she said.
Friendship in this era requires clarity. “I think the issue is that many people have not adjusted their behavior to the culture and time we are living in. The truth is, how we engage with our friends online matters. But if someone has shown up for you in real life, intentionally offered support, and care when it mattered the most, then this person isn’t a monitoring spirit. They are a friend who may need a little nudge when it comes to how to engage with their friends online, in this new era,” she proposed. Having an open conversation with someone you consider a close friend about their online behavior towards you may also bring solace.
Whether we like it or not, social media is here to stay, and for most of us, it’s a part of our daily routines, influences our thoughts and behaviors, and, unfortunately, our relationships. When it comes to our friends, whether we want to admit it or not, how our friends engage with us online says something. Here are some ways to examine your friendship in this digital age, from both Jones and Watson:
Signs Your Friend is Emotionally Available vs. Performatively Engaged Online
“Real friends don’t perform. I think the real issue is that people can’t distinguish among their close friends, associates, acquaintances, casual friends, and, at this point, their social media friends. Real friends support their friends, period. They see their friend post good news on social media and “like” it. They interact online in ways a friend might. They are sharing reels via DM; they’re sharing content you know you’ve worked hard on. These are people who will be unwavering in ways acquaintances or social media friends will not be. It’s important to understand the difference between friends and supporters. Close friends should always be supporters online and off, but supporters don’t have to be close friends,” said Jones.
Why Distance Isn’t Always a Sign of Neglect—Sometimes it’s Healthy
“Creating distance can feel like a form of self-respect, especially in a culture that equates constant access with care. Sometimes distance reflects a need for rest, steadiness, or emotional capacity rather than a lack of investment. When there’s trust underneath, space doesn’t automatically mean disconnection,” Watson stated.
Tips for Nurturing Meaningful Connections in an Always-Connected World:
“Go outside! This topic is one of the main reasons I created The Black Girl Social Club. I realized that people had become too dependent on social media to fill a void, and that community is something you have to build and actively participate in. How we engage online is usually not how we engage in person. Practice your conversational skills and relearn how to approach people and introduce yourself. Once you’ve made some connections out in the wild, it’s important to maintain them. If you really want meaningful friendships, you have to make an effort to reach out and engage. Another thing you’re going to have to do is let your guard down,” Jones advised.
