It’s funny how things work out sometimes. As I started writing this article, I also began reading Dolly Parton’s fabulous book Behind the Seams: My Life in Rhinestones. From the very first pages, Dolly describes the opposition she had to overcome to look and be the way she wanted. In the Introduction, she writes, “I had to resist a lot of ‘advice’ telling me to tone down my look or choose a different type of wardrobe.”
And then, a page or so later, she recommends, “Whoever you are, be that!” Powerful words.
Without reservation, Dolly declares that she knows what she wants to see when she looks in the mirror, even if others tell her she’s wrong.
Have you ever thought about the fact that no one else can look in the mirror for you? Do you believe it? If it’s true, why is it so? I mean, why is it the case that no one else can look in the mirror for you? And is it always the case?
Well, as it turns out, yes! It is always the case. There is no situation ever where you can use someone else’s looking for your own. People stand in front of mirrors for a reason. Perhaps you’re going on a first date or maybe you’re getting ready for a job interview.
Whatever the reason you’re looking, the view you see is yours alone. No one else sees what you see when you look in the mirror, and, crucially, no one else knows what you want to see.
Backseat drivers are irritating for a very good reason. In fact, it’s the same reason that other people can’t look in the mirror for you. When you’re in the driver’s seat, it’s your preferences that matter. How far should you be behind the car in front, when should you indicate that you want to change direction, and so on? A gazillion decisions are made when someone drives from one place to another, and their choices will be those that keep their world as they like it.
So, the lesson of the mirror applies generally. It turns out that perspective is key. We all have our own outlook and view of things. Even when we appear to have similar ideas to someone else, our ideas are nestled within an entire menagerie of other preferences, values, dreamsand ambitions. And so are theirs. Each of our mind menageries are like snowflakes. They’re completely unique.
Perhaps it’s this uniqueness that has allowed such a monumental proliferation of self-help books, podcasts, workshops, retreats, webinars, and other ways of spreading a message. The general formula for self-help offerings is someone sharing their ideas about what worked for them to make their life the way they want it to be. The assumption is that their way will work for you, too. Mel Robbins’s phenomenally successful book, The Five Second Rule: The fastest way to change your lifeis a great example.
Apparently, Mel was in a really, really bad place. Then, one morning, as she was battling with herself to get out of bed, she counted backwards from five to one. For Mel, that was the start of a major life turnaround.
According to Mel, the countdown technique didn’t just work for her. Multitudes of other people found it worked for them as well. Does it still work for them? Does it still work for Mel? I’m not sure. I am sure, though, that the countdown technique doesn’t work for everyone all the time.
If a self-help strategy doesn’t work for you, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. It’s because it’s not your strategy.
The only self-help strategy that is guaranteed to work every single time, without fail, is conjuring your own strategy. Trying on someone else’s strategy is fine, but if it’s going to work for you, it must become your strategy. It’s the self in self-help that is inescapable.
For self-help to work, the self has to do the work. Self-help strategies aren’t magic. It’s the self that makes them work or decides they’re useless.
Finding your way through dilemmas and distress can be really tough and seriously yucky, but only you can do it. Others can help, but the journey is all yours. There is no understudy to the living of a life.
Self-Help Essential Reads
The great American comedian, George Carlin, captured it exactly when he said, “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
You got it, George!
Fortunately, nature has gifted us our very own conjuring gizmo. This little doohickey is as much a part of our design as bones and blood. It’s through this gizmo that we learn to do things like walk and talk long before we know how to learn. It’s this gizmo that’s the source of ingenuity, inspiration, and Aha! moments. Where do you think Mel’s countdown technique came from? Yep, her gizmo created it for her to try out.
We never know ahead of time what our gizmo will conjure. And that’s the point. Our circumstances are unique. So, our solutions must be too. You can’t tell when it’s coming, but your answer will come. The gizmo we inherit relentlessly offers potential solutions. Some potential solutions might seem bizarre or impossible, but others will be possibilities to consider.
It’s your job to mull over what your gizmo generates. The way to becoming the you you want to be might not be here yet, but it will arrive. And when it turns up, you’ll have something in common with Dolly. You, too, will enjoy what you see when you look in the mirror. Can you even imagine how amazing that will be? And why would you settle for anything less?
