Psychologist Lipskaya: Sharing geolocation around the clock is an intrusive control
The promise of the British singer Sting to follow every breath, step and every mistake of his chosen one, which sounded in the song Every Breath You Take, seemed romantic to listeners 40 years ago. However, Sting himself soon explained that he was not inspired by romance at all, but by the fear caused by the idea of “Big Brother” and total surveillance in relationships. Today, much of what frightened the singer in the early 80s has become quite real: now, with the help of modern technologies, it is really possible to track every step of a person. When care turns into total control and what to do with the desire to spy on a partner, Lenta.ru learned from experts.
Comes from childhood
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A recent study by the Australian Electronic Safety Commission found that nearly one in five young people believe that tracking their partner’s location is an expected part of a relationship.
Young people have become so accustomed to a certain level of online surveillance from family and friends that it is no longer a concern for them
The results of a similar study published by Griffith University in Australia in 2025 clarified one important detail: for several years now, many people have considered it normal to monitor their children using location-sharing applications. Moreover, the creators of these applications often position them as programs to protect the family.
Griffith University PhD student Maria Atiensar Prieto surveyed perceptions of digital coercive control by surveying more than a thousand young people and found that the normalization of such control truly “starts at home” – with parenting apps. Prieto believes that this technology has become an ideal tool for people who commit domestic violence.
Фото: Jacob Lund / Shutterstock / Fotodom
Participants in my study reported that they were initially observed in a caring and loving atmosphere. Then the same extended to other relationships.
Prieto noted that parents who use such apps need to explain to their children that location tracking is only for safety within the family. If a child’s geolocation is monitored by someone other than a family member, this is fraught with many risks.
The Psychology of Obsessive Control
According to the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW), one in five women and around one in 11 men over the age of 16 have been stalked.
The victim’s life is locked in a cycle of fear and anxiety, controlled by someone else. It seems to me that I am living someone else’s life, persecution has deprived me of mine. It’s a very lonely, isolated existence.
On the Internet you can find many complaints about surveillance by former and current partners. More often they are written by women who are tired of the constant claims of jealous husbands and boyfriends.
Recently my husband reproached me for reading all sorts of crap on the Internet. I say: “Where did you get the idea?” He was like, “I know everything.” And I pulled out from him that he had been monitoring me for a long time using some kind of program. Absurd! He just has an obsession that I will cheat on him while he is on duty, although I never gave him a reason! I ask him what kind of program it is, he says that’s it, it doesn’t exist, it was like a trial program, the deadline has expired. But I don’t believe him and I know that he’s still watching
As Gestalt therapist and creator of the Dzeny psychological assistance platform Valentina Lipskaya clarified, in this case it is not the technology itself that causes harm. Smart watches, geolocation enabled and home video surveillance can even be useful under certain conditions.
However, when one of the partners asks to share geolocation around the clock, secretly installs a tracking device in the car or a camera in his partner’s apartment, this indicates obsessive control.
Photo: Olena Yakobchuk / Shutterstock / Fotodom
As Lipskaya noted, the need to constantly know where and with whom a partner is has several reasons.
- Anxious attachment. Such people are afraid of being abandoned. For them, geolocation is a way to calm down and reduce internal tension.
- Low self-esteem. Tracking a partner becomes a compensation for internal insecurity.
- The desire for complete fusion. Such people do not distinguish between “I” and “you” – it is difficult for them to respect personal boundaries.
- Psychological immaturity or tendency towards abusive behavior. Control becomes a way to dominate, not to love.
It is important to understand: behind the apparent “care” there is often not a willingness to support, but a need to subordinate. In relationships, what becomes important is not dialogue, but observation. This is no longer intimacy, but alarming surveillance
What to do if your partner suggests turning on geolocation?
If a partner asked to turn on geolocation, Lipskaya advised asking him a few questions: “Why do you need this? How will you feel if you don’t get my route?” According to her, the answer can clarify a lot in the relationship.
If there is a real reason behind the request (for example, anxiety after an accident or an episode of panic attack), you can discuss a temporary compromise together. But if this turns into a rule, it is important to talk about boundaries. Suggest alternatives: let us know when you have arrived; be in touch at a certain time. In healthy relationships, such compromises work. In unhealthy people, control will only increase
If surveillance has already been established, the psychologist advised that under no circumstances should you ignore what happened. “This is not the norm and not “experiences from love,” Lipskaya assured. She advised recording the fact of surveillance and seeking legal advice, as well as talking to a psychologist.
Photo: Andrii Nekrasov / Shutterstock / Fotodom
The specialist reminded: love is not observation, but respect for the space of another. Checks, bugs, cameras are manifestations not of care, but of fear, mistrust and often violence.
“If you feel like you are under total control, this is a wake-up call. That is why it is important to talk about this openly, seek psychological support and remember: in close relationships, control does not strengthen the connection, it destroys it,” the psychologist warned.
Criminologist Catherine Brookfield has warned that location tracking apps could be used for domestic violence because they give violent partners the ability to monitor a person’s every move. To protect yourself, Brookfield advised not to give your partner access to your geolocation in the first months of a relationship.
Wait until you really know the person and start to trust him. Discuss the pros and cons with your partner
What are the penalties for surveillance?
In Russian legislation, surveillance as a term is absent, said lawyer, managing partner of the law firm Intellectual Protection, Yuri Mitin. However, liability for actions related to control, stalking, constant surveillance and collection of information about private life is still provided.
It can arise in cases where the right to privacy was violated due to surveillance, a violation of the confidentiality of correspondence or telephone conversations occurred, and also when a person illegally collected or distributed information about a person’s private life without his consent.
15%
Russians
experienced online harassment from a new partner
The lawyer added that the usual interest in the life of another person and viewing his social networks is not considered stalking. We can talk about a violation of the law if the stalker systematically and without the consent of his victim interferes in his personal life and causes her fear, anxiety and discomfort.
“A person who shows interest, who is interested in others, for example, looks through social networks, asks friends, does not violate confidentiality, does not invade personal space, does not collect personal data illegally,” Mitin explained.
Violation occurs when actions affect privacy, are carried out without the person’s consent, use technical devices or hacking methods, and lead to psychological discomfort. This may include constant threats or stalking.
However, not everyone perceives surveillance as a violation of personal boundaries – for many it is a subject of agreement and a guarantee of peace of mind. In some couples, it suits both partners. In such cases, partners can agree on mutual monitoring and enter into an agreement – it will be needed if conflicts arise in the future.
“Verbal consent to surveillance can be challenged. For example, one of the parties will state that the consent was formal, forced. By law, there is no requirement to draw up a special agreement. But in the event of a dispute, the lack of written evidence of consent can lead to problems. If one side accuses the other of surveillance, it will be difficult to prove voluntariness,” Mitin explained.
Фото: mimagephotography / Shutterstock / Fotodom
For this reason, the lawyer recommended that couples who decided on voluntary surveillance record their consent in writing: through a message in the messenger, email or a paper document with signatures. The text must indicate what information can be used and the deadline. It is also important to specify in which case consent can be revoked.
Mitin emphasized that in such situations it is very important to maintain a balance and remember that any surveillance without consent carries the risk of criminal or civil liability. He added that, if necessary, any consent in the future can be withdrawn, but violating the privacy of life even in a couple or family is an offense
However, despite the absence of the concept of surveillance in legislation, the problem of harassment has long been systemic not only in Russia, but also in the world. “Every year we receive requests from women and girls who have experienced stalking. As a rule, this persecution is not from strangers, but from well-known people, most often either from ex-husbands or intimate partners,” said lawyer Mari Davtyan.
According to her, the problem now in Russia is that the police often do not take seriously the threats that victims complain about. “This impunity further encourages the stalker to increase the degree of persecution,” she added.
