Once, in the early days of my career, I went out with a very corporate guy. He wore suits daily but was drawn to the idea of dating an artistic writer. He was fascinated by my life in New York City’s East Village, the heart of punk culture. He admired my quirky and spontaneous nature. He even liked my taste in fashion.

however, he had mixed feelings about our differences, which he didn’t really address. He would ask me to wear revealing outfits when I joined him at work events, only to make suggestive comments about my appearance to his colleagues. He would insist on taking me to expensive restaurants but then joke about me ordering the cheapest item on the menu.

This man was intelligent and funny, but I found myself on edge whenever I was with him. I was always prepared for a snide remark, an eye roll, or a dramatic sigh. I felt the stress physically: my shoulders would tense up, my lower back would ache, and my stomach would feel uneasy.

Stress, whether from a romantic partner or any other source, can have significant physical effects: headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, chest pain, insomnia, and digestive issues. It’s crucial to pay attention to these symptoms. “Sometiems when people don’t pay attention to their feelings-especially feelings of stress or conflict-their body orders them to. It’s almost like a little messenger: ‘Hey! you need to change something in your life!'” says Oona Metz, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Massachusetts.

Consider Maura Dunn,* who endured a arduous marriage for over two decades. Stress was her constant companion.”It took years for me to recognize the sensation of cortisol coursing through me-this allover heightened sense, a sinking feeling in my chest and belly,” she says. “Or for me to go, ‘Wow, look how tightly I’m holding on to the steering wheel’ or ‘Whoa, I just realized my hands have been clenched for the last hour.'” Studies indicate that stressful relationships can increase blood pressure, damage cardiovascular health, and increase vulnerability to illness, in addition to being linked to depression and anxiety.

Yes, Rough Patches Happen

Every relationship experiences stress, often intensified by external factors like illness or job loss. however, the key factor is the duration of the stress. “It’s normal to have periods of elevated arousal, but if you’re constantly at DEFCON 1, you’ll need to reassess how healthy your relationship is,” says Julie Holland, M.D., a psychiatrist in New York City.

“Sometimes when people don’t pay attention to their feelings-especially feelings of stress or conflict-their body orders them to.”

If you find yourself constantly stressed by your partner, consider whether the relationship is worth saving. Dr. Holland suggests asking yourself: “Is this relationship enhancing my life, or is it diminishing it?”

Tactic: Reframe

Sometimes, changing your perspective can reduce stress. If your partner’s behavior bothers you, try to understand their motivations. Dr. Holland suggests asking yourself if their actions are malicious or simply a result of their own issues. Can you accept them as they are? If not, can you adjust your expectations?

Oona Metz suggests choosing not to engage in every conflict. Drawing from Mel Robbins’s “Let them” philosophy, you can reduce tension by not reacting to every snide comment or annoying habit. Even with a partner, you can choose not to take their issues personally. “It’s not true for all behaviors, obviously,” Metz says. While you shouldn’t tolerate abuse, you might choose to ignore minor annoyances. This approach can considerably reduce your stress levels.

Tactic: Call It Quits

Ending a relationship that causes significant stress is an act of strength, not a failure. While staying may seem easier, it can be detrimental to your long-term well-being.A split or divorce can lead to greater satisfaction. Metz,author of the forthcoming Unhitched: The Divorce Book for Women (available in January 2026),says,”I’ve seen my clients experience profound growth and healing and huge improvements in their self-esteem. They end up finding a stronger, clearer inner and outer voice.”

Bystanders Beware

Watching a loved one suffer in a stressful relationship is difficult, but it’s not always your place to intervene. “People can be very defensive about their partners,” says Dr. Holland. “It’s important to ask your friend or relative whether they want feedback before proceeding.” Avoid damaging your relationship with them, especially if they might need your support later.

“The last thing you want your loved one to do is shut down or feel ashamed and get isolated,” says Metz.”Simply offering a friendly ear, one that’s pretty nonjudgmental, is helpful.” If they don’t recognize the issues,ask indirect questions. “You could say, ‘Gosh, it sounds like you guys are fighting a lot. I’m wondering if you think that’s impacting your psoriasis.’ Or ‘Oh,do you think that’s part of the reason you’re not sleeping well these days?’ But tread lightly,” she advises.

Even if asked directly, be cautious. Express concern for their stress levels without being inflammatory about their partner. Encourage them to listen to their body and emotions, possibly with a therapist.

Recognizing Abuse

An abusive relationship is more than just stressful. “Stress is a reaction to a demanding situation, usually temporary and usually caused by the situation,” says Metz. “abuse is a more deliberate harmful way of interacting. There are often power dynamics, which is not necessarily true for stress.”

Abuse can be non-physical and occur between any genders. “Violence can be verbal and insidious. Chronic put-downs, name-calling, perpetually making someone afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing-if you’re in a constant state of high alert, that is an unhealthy relationship however you label it,” says Dr. Holland. “Even if someone has never hit you, if you flinch when they make a sudden movement, it is time to leave,” she adds. “Sometimes your body knows more than your mind is willing to admit.”

If you’re experiencing intimate partner violence or abuse, reach out to the National Domestic violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), text START to 88788, or go to thehotline.org to chat live. If you’re in imminent danger, call 911.

*Name has been changed for privacy.