Each holiday season as family gathers, Cousin Cassidy makes a grand entrance with an armload of gifts—a cappuccino machine for one siblingdesigner sweater for that brother-in-law, and much-hoped-for toys for those two nieces.
Family knows that their other sister is diabetic, limiting sweets. Yet when she opens Cassidy’s gift, it’s cheap chocolates. Her little girl had a wish list, too but opened a knit cap, imprinted with a logo of Cassidy’s employer. Cassidy was well-known to regift swag. This child and her mom live in Florida. No winter hats required. At the girl’s slightly defeated thank you, Cassidy launches into a poor-parenting lecture, dubs her ungrateful, and mocks the cute pin from the girl’s school store.
Origins of Gift-Wrapped Animosity
Holidays tend to bring out the worst, especially in those too high on themselves, with a Santa-sack of resentments. Here, Cassidy suggested a list for more appropriate, and of course expensive, aunt gifts.
There’s neuroscience behind gift-giving since dopamine stimulates brain regions, a rewarding phenomenon when we bring happiness to others.1 Other research shows that giving well-intended self-improvement gifts (like weight-loss products) leaves recipients feeling judged.2
Sadly, here are the passive-aggressive problems when altruistic motives don’t exist:
Scores to settle: When resentments mount, gifts prove points. Passive aggressors typically grow up not taught how to be direct and express genuine feelings. Layers of build-up occur. Something as annual as a shared holiday creates the spark to ignite an explosion after years of keeping things inside (implosions). These are the first of four anger stages outlined in Overcoming Passive-Aggression.3
Indirect behaviors: No gold-standard “I messages” got taught, but instead parental get-back behaviors. What could have cleaned up messy emotions never got voiced. That aftermath is the fourth stage of anger—the one most overlooked without good communication, problem-solving, or conflict-resolution skills. Sadly, skipping this only creates yet another layer of buildup or entrenched behavior.
Divorce remains one of those passages, that could remain friendly and productive, but often spirals into a quagmire of upset.
Following rounds of contentious court proceedings, one family’s divorce got finalized before the holidays. Instead of healing, gifts communicated indirectly who can do what to whom.
Namely, former in-laws sent grandsons TVs and video gaming systems. Sounds generous until you realize they’ve had a push-pull relationship with the daughter-in-law, who had stated and single-handedly tried to institute doctor/therapy recommendations for learning disorders. Here the actions stand-in for words. Further resentment festered.
Power Grabs: Once again, children got caught in adult passive-aggressive dynamics. Had the in-laws merely asked what their grandkids needed, what would be appropriate rather than insisting they knew best, and worse, going against what they’d been told about electronic devices, their largesse could channel help, not become a hindrance.
Passive aggression has been dubbed an immature coping style because of what’s not taught in one’s upbringing. The deficit of skills mentioned already is at play plus a lack of manners and empathy in both Cousin Cassidy’s actions and the in-laws.
Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., outlines the difference between selfish and narcissistic behavior in It’s Not You. “Narcissistic people are egocentric, but this goes beyond mere selfishness,” she writes. “It is selfishness with a devaluation chaser.” A narcissistic person’s needs will always outflank others’ in any relationship.4
People flexed muscle here with purchasing power. We see this at other gift-giving events. At a birthday, one set of grandparents upstage the other with an obviously lavish gift. Yes, it’s possible no harm is intended. As I write in my book, look at motive and outcome for it usually informs your thinking and an action’s appropriateness.
Passive-Aggression Essential Reads
Childhood Wounds: Durvasula describes that when things go well for the self-absorbed who have sufficient narcissistic supply, they’re less antagonistic. When that’s stale or childhood wounds surface, it kicks in primitive defense mechanisms stemming from childhood traumaneglect, or conditional love that forced them to build a grandiose false self to avoid deep, unpleasant feelings.
Devaluing others (Cassidy’s tirade) projected the negative elements too shameful to internalize. Blame shifting, entitlement, and two standards surface. These narcissistic traits reinforce faltering, fragile identity until more supply builds them up so they don’t have to bolster themselves in this negative way.
Withholding: Failure to act is passive behavior and a choice, such as forgetting to give a gift or extend a much-needed RSVP. When intentional, it helps a troubled person maintain power and control, even if only in their minds. There’s often the intent to annoy, be oppositional or create a problem, that once again, casts the passive-aggressive/self-absorbed person into attention.
How to Cope?
Well-intended recipients of poor behavior assume they might be able to change the dynamic for next time. Know that you cannot. It’s not your job to heal a troubled person’s inner child, only your own.
Accept reality. You didn’t cause these deep-seated needs. They likely took root and flourished well before you. Educating yourself, with books or through your own therapy, helps to adopt a fresh outlook.
Cassidy’s younger sister could privately explain to her child that her older sister has always been tough to deal with. This validates. The two could decide to spend holidays with supportive people instead. They could, again privately, laugh off the ridiculous nature of Cassidy’s gifts and unrealistic demands, as they themselves lower expectations of Cassidy to low or none at all.
What Not to Do
Fight back? This provides the secondary gain aggressors even unwittingly hope to achieve. If you fight back, they can now hold over you your anger, which they want to feel but cannot allow themselves. Don’t fight back.
Smile, let it roll. Be kind. It’s the best gift to self that makes up for any gifts lost.
Copyright © 2025 Loriann Oberlin, MS.