When I was researching and writing my new bookI knew that the focus would be on identifying ways to parent adult children that results in more harmonious and less stressful contact. But the farther I got into it, interviewing people and reading the research, the more I realized that every decade has its unique challenges and that I needed to fine tune how we communicate with our adult offspring based on their current stage in life.
In a previous postI focused on ways to have healthy interactions with your adult children with tips to avoid the mine-fields. Recognizing the need to provide additional aspects of parenting 2.0, this post addresses your adult children’s needs as they pass though different life stages—because the needs of a twenty-two-year-old are quite different from those of a 45-50 year old “child.”
While there is no formula for predicting what any individual adult child might need at 25 or 40, each decade has its own predictable demands and challenges. And while an eighteen-year-old boy in the 1940’s was likely much more independent than today’s late teenneither had a fully developed prefrontal cortex to guide their behavior and judgment. That doesn’t come about until at least age twenty-five.
Still, if we can better understand what life is like for our adult children at different life stages, as we begin the second quarter of the twenty-first century, then we can better adapt our strategies for dealing with them effectively.
The Twenties
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The twenties are an unsettling time in a young person’s life. Pulls come from all directions, and the assurance that comes later in life is still far off. A fiercely independent and competent young adult can become a scared child overnight, abandoned by family and institutional support, adrift without a sail in the sea of life.
Their worries might be disguised by arrogance and bravado. Their uncertainty about the tumultuous present and future might be camouflaged by alcoholdrug use, or obsessional on-line gambling or gaming. If this sounds dramatic, then it accurately captures the feelings of the twenties grown-up. Yet, out of this chaos and disappointment, new strength and competency can emerge.
But much happens between the age of twenty and twenty-five. A twenty-year-old is closer to being an adolescent—an adult body often paired with immature or poor judgment. However, in five years tremendous maturation can take place because of continued brain development that often doesn’t peak until the mid or late twenties—or later.
What parents see, and often can’t understand, is stubborn independence and rigidly held opinions. These serve, like a suit of armor, to protect feelings of vulnerability and dependenÂce. What twenties adults hate most is a parent’s sniffing out a problem that they wish to hide, for example, inquiring about the state of their finances when the parent knows that they’ve maxed their credit cards. Parents, of course, have much experience in recognizing such problems and can’t easily turn off the process of inquiry. Be available but not intrusive.
The Thirties
The thirties are a time of great stress. In decades past, these adults were expected to be settled in jobs or careers and building a family. Today’s thirties are often years behind—maybe still finding themselves academically and in the world of work. Because of the cost of housing, many thirties may just be emerging from a stay at their childhood home—or still there, which creates its own tensions, but also opportunities. These still-young adults are typically overburdened and overextended. They may feel an urgency about reaching their goals. Forty may be perceived as a deadline for feeling successful. But fifty may actually be the new forty in that respect.
If your relationship with your adult child is perceived as another demand, you are likely to be shut out for a while. They need you primarily for support, sometimes emotional, sometimes financial, but usually from a distance. What specifically do they need you to support? This is a good question. Ask them!
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The Forties
Between forty and fifty the pace of life doesn’t necessarily settle down, like it did a generation ago. Initial goals for work, marriageor other attachments, may or may not happen. The achievement demands of the last decade haven’t leveled out yet. The climb is ongoing as careers peak later than past generations. Often there is a need for additional training or education to shift gears as the needs of the job market evolve, which is costly and stressful.
What does this forties cohort group need or want from their parents? My survey showed that, besides continuing to want support and caring for themselves, they wanted their parents to achieve comfort, contentment, and fulfillment in their own lives. Perhaps this wish represents the younger generation’s fear of carrying the responsibility for their parents’ unhappiness, disappointment, or financial stress—another unwanted burden. But forties adults still want to be loved and understood. You can do that!
The Take-Away
At the turn of the 20th century, the average infant born in the United States was expected to live to age 47. Today that figure is closer to 80. And when Americans reach age 65, they can now expect to maybe live for an additional two decades. When your kids are grown, you still have many years to develop, negotiate and refine your relationships!
Based on, and excerpted from, Chapter 1 in Toder, F., Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.02025.
