Many people come into therapy with a desire to talk about the present: the promotion they didn’t get, the stress they feel as parents, their frustration with that friend they can’t stand but are still keeping around. But mostly, they want to talk about their relationships. What’s wrong with them, how to make them better, confirmation that they are in fact not crazy and that it really isn’t a lot to ask of their partner to do (insert task here). Often, as I patiently listen to their concerns, I ask a few clarifying questions about how they grew up: What kind of relationship did your parents have? What role did you play as a child in your family? What attracts you in a partner?
As we continue to talk about the present, I sprinkle in these questions, which will inevitably lead us down intertwined paths that end with an exploration of their past. The realization that often hits them is this: How they grew up, what relationships they witnessed, and the role they played in their family all contribute to the kind of partner they choose and the role they continue to play in their adult relationships. This is especially true for those of my clients who grew up parentified, an awareness of which is often disconnected from their present understanding of their relational difficulties.
The Attachment Link: How Childhood Parentification Can Lead to Adult Relational Difficulties
Think of attachment as a bridge between childhood experiences and adulthood. A secure attachment, one that is characterized by loving and consistent parental relationships that produce feelings of safety, is like having a stable and well-built bridge into adulthood. Attachment that is more insecure or anxiousthat is, characterized by unstable or inconsistent parents who often do not behave in ways that create feelings of safety, creates a bridge with a shaky foundation, making it more responsive to experiences that stress its ability to hold those who navigate it. Steadying and reinforcing this bridge is possible, and it involves healing your attachment. This is the work of therapy and the introduction of consistent and loving relationships in adulthood. These types of relationships are the crew you surround yourself with to conduct renovations on your bridge, building it back up piece by piece.
Here are a few scenarios where relational conflict can arise in adulthood:
- Someone who had a chaotic childhood that exerts a rigid sense of control over their environment.
- Couples in which one partner is the “doer,” often over-functioning while the other partner is the “wait and see” person who sits back and waits to take action, or otherwise lets the over-functioning partner do their thing.
- A friend who makes all the plans in the social group and consistently takes care of others.
- The person who frequently offers to help or “fixes” without being asked, setting this as an expectation so that others come to rely on them for their help, resulting in their eventual resentment and burnout.
In all of these situations, what simmers beneath the surface are issues with attachment to a secure parent figure in early childhood that turns the need to do, help, and fix into a pathological behavior that is motivated by a fear of abandonment. As children, we rely on our parents to have a stable physical and emotional presence without having to earn their love or protection. If you grew up parentified, your parents’ love may have felt conditional upon your ability to meet their needs rather than as something that was given unconditionally. As adults, we enter our relationships with a set of previous experiences that shape our expectations about relationships and how our partner should behave (Collins et al., 2006). This perception about relationships and the unconscious way we map our past experiences over our present has a tendency to shape self-worth (Foster et al., 2007) in ways that you may not recognize if you grew up parentified.
For example, you may not realize that you are interpreting your partner’s fatigue and irritability after having a bad day as a sign that they no longer want to be in the relationship, rather than a human response to a situation they can’t control. This interpretation may cause you to react in an outsized way, scrambling to fix their upset feelings in order to prevent what your subconscious perceives as potential abandonment. The reaction, while understandable given your past experiences growing up parentified, is one that will leave you overwhelmed and anxious, and your partner potentially confused or angry at feeling misunderstood. Caveat: If you are in a relationship with a partner who is consistently emotionally or physically abusive, this is more than just “having a bad day,” and merits seeking professional support to untangle yourself from a destructive pattern and keep yourself safe.
Consider some ways you can navigate conflict with your partner next time it arises:
- Tune in to your physical body first, including pausing and taking a breath before responding.
Paying attention to your bodily cues is essential in the moments when emotions feel like they are about to boil over. You may not be able to realize in the moment that a childhood wound is being triggered, so you’ll need that moment to breathe in order to decrease the reactivity that wants to come out.
Once you’ve paused and taken time to breathe, as calmly as you can, ask your partner for clarification about their intentions and how they’re feeling. Recognize with them that you may be responding to something in a certain way due to the way you coped with relational stress in childhood and ask for grace in helping you work through your reaction (and give grace to help them work through theirs).
- Be ready to take a break and walk away temporarily if your reactivity gets the best of you.
Sometimes we just need to tap out, and that’s OK. If you need to walk away, say that, and hold yourself accountable for returning to the conversation once you feel more stabilized in your ability to interact without volatility. We can’t change our past, but we can get better at how we react to our present.