For die-hards, no horror movie can be too scary. But for you, a wimp, the wrong one can leave you miserable. Never fear, scaredies, because Slate’s Scaredy Scale is here to help. We’ve put together a highly scientific and mostly spoiler-free system for rating new horror movies, comparing them with classics along a 10-point scale. And because not everyone is scared by the same things—some viewers can’t stand jump scares, while others are haunted by more psychological terrors or can’t stomach arterial spurts—it breaks down each movie’s scares across three criteria: suspense, spookiness, and gore.
Horror director Osgood Perkins has been on a tear these past couple of years, collaborating with production company Neon to put various evils (all with a particular layer of campiness) onto the silver screen. First Perkins centered a villain of average height in the beloved Longlegsthen a toy primate in The Monkeyand now, with his third Neon picture, KeeperPerkins is attacking a new wickedness: companionship.
Keeper follows a couple—Liz (Orphan Black’s Tatiana Maslany) and Malcolm (Murder in a Small Town’s Rossif Sutherland)—who vacation to Malcolm’s remote getaway for their first anniversary. But, of course, mysterious mirages and a spine-chilling sense that something just isn’t right begin to color their trip in an ominous light. Keeper might be garnering less impressed reviews than Perkins’ other recent offerings, but fans of the genre (and couples out on date night) might be more interested in how Keeper compares in frights as opposed to merit. Will it stave off all couples vacations for the foreseeable future, or are the Airbnbs in the Northeast woodlands going to make out alright?
As someone who is highly susceptible to jump scares, I find them to be one of the cheapest ways to induce fear into a viewer—it’s an art form but is often treated more like a gimmick. And it’s par for the course that a movie of the cabin-in-the-woods variety will offer plenty of opportunities for things lurking in the background or around corners to leave you with your hair standing up. Rest assured, Keeper does indeed know how to dial up the suspense. But, surprisingly, this (and the fact that the cabin is architecturally stunning) is probably one of the best things about the film. Keeper starts out like most contemporary horror films, with a prologue of sorts buttoned with a fright to lead us into our main story. However, after the prologue, the movie deploys sudden jolts in rather smart ways, impressively creating bits of tension that vary in severity, from scary monsters loudly popping into frame to smaller instants: transitioning from the stillness of Liz taking a bath to the sharp sound of a dinner plate clanking onto the table, or cutting off the sound of a running faucet with a visual surprise. Perkins also really went nuts with the “creepy thing appears in the background but without any sound” trope. I only flew a couple inches off my seat about three or four times during the movie, but there were plenty more times when my stomach dropped.
It’s not that gore isn’t present in Perkins’ story, but that it often happens in the dark. There are a few scenes that might nauseate the squeamish, involving things like preserved heads in honey jars or one particularly repulsive episode involving entrails, but most of the other bloody things happen without being seen or are so cloaked in shadow that you have to squint to even make out what’s happening. Even then, some of Keeper’s unsightly moments are so momentary that it’s easy to cover your eyes until it’s over. Overall, the movie is certainly more focused on unsettling you than grossing you out. However, that’s not to say it won’t disgust you. I may have only wrinkled my face once when it comes to the viscera, but this movie has the single most disturbing scene I have ever seen of a person housing a chocolate cake. As a chocoholic, this movie made me consider swearing off chocolate cake for the rest of time. Cake lovers, beware.
This was probably the hardest facet of Keeper to assess. Throughout the movie, I would say it was steadily earning at least a 7 on the Spookiness scale. The story, when it shines, will have you questioning your boyfriend, woodsy retreats, cousins named Darren, and, once again, chocolate cake. Not only am I particularly sensitive to the horror movies that involve people being violent to other people (as opposed to ghosts, or whatever), but I also think some of the scariest movies are the ones that play on your sense of trust. And, I would put those aforementioned silent frights of freaky things popping up in the background to go more in this category than that of suspense. However, without spoiling anything massive, the movie takes something of a turn in its final minutes, not ending where history dictates it usually would. This move may undercut the point of the movie—leaving you wondering why Perkins made it—but the thing it undermines the most is the lingering unease you might have left the theater with. It also doesn’t help that some of the goosebump-inducing parts of the movie were overshadowed by Liz’s occasional idiocy, and by the growing irritation that if she was just a bit more assertive or perceptive, the movie would be about a half an hour shorter.
Keeper is a movie that starts with immense promise but squanders it minute by minute. Despite a great performance from Maslany, Keeper struggles to remain innovative and definitely doesn’t stick the landing. Horror as a genre has always been great at playing on our worst fears as a way to teach us something about ourselves or society, but Keeper fails to outline a compelling lesson plan. And, for most of its run time, which feels too long despite only being 99 minutes, it leaves you with enough evidence to piece together your own answers to the movie’s mysteries—which might even be better than the lackluster answer that’s ultimately given. Still, that doesn’t mean that it’s not at times legitimately scary or artful. The innumerable ways the movie seeks to terrorize the audience are worth applauding, and many of the film’s technical aspects—cinematography, sound design, etc.—are up to the high standard that we’ve come to expect from Perkins. Still, couples may want to think twice before seeing this for date night: Keeper is decidedly not what its title evokes.