Five years ago, Amanda Allocco Gossell’s everyday life was like any other 27-year-old’s. She worked full-time as a copywriter, exercised regularly and often met her friends.
– I was cheerful and happy and laughed a lot. In my group of friends I was something of an entertainer. But from one week to another, my life was turned upside down, she says Special Nest.
She previously had both migraines and obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, but describes that at the time it was at a manageable level. The migraine attacks were transient and although the obsessions were present, they did not prevent her from having a functioning everyday life.
– My compulsions started when I was around five years old and have since varied over the years. I’ve had fears about viruses that have kept me from traveling or going to the movies, but I’ve still had strategies that have kept me going.
More severe migraines and compulsions
In the fall of 2020, she was suddenly struck by a new type of headache with extreme pain in the head and behind the eyes and a chronic sensitivity to light. That led to her being on sick leave. From having an active life, she became bedridden and found it difficult to leave the apartment. It would turn out that she had suffered from chronic migraines.
Despite various treatments, the pain persisted, so three years ago, Amanda and her doctor decided to try phasing out her OCD medication at the time because it might remove the effect of the migraine medications she was trying. But the result was only that her obsessions and compulsions intensified.
– I accidentally dropped my mobile phone in the kitchen and some shards fell out. It led to an extreme fear of broken glass and after that I have had a hard time staying in the kitchen. When the outbreak was at its worst, I could vacuum my apartment for eight to nine hours a day.
The love of Allan the cat
Amanda Allocco Gossell says that her obsessions have always revolved around a fear of accidentally poisoning or harming those she loves most. Within her, she has a form of forced priority list of varying importance. The cat Allan has the highest priority on the list.
– I had an extreme fear that Allan, who is also chronically ill, could ingest broken glass. Fear washed over me like a tsunami.
She got Allan after she got sick – and he has meant a lot.
– I love him so damn much. Periodically when it feels tough, he is my only purpose. I have to make sure he survives.
However, her fear that Allan will hurt himself has led to a lot of obsessions.
– But if I hadn’t had my cat, the compulsion would have found something else, because that’s what compulsion does. Allan has been super important to me, he needs to be looked after and fed. And he is the only kind of closeness I have.
Writing became therapy
In addition to doctor’s appointments and short car trips with her father, Amanda Allocco Gossell has spent almost all of her time in her apartment in recent years. To process her illness, she began writing down small diary entries.
– Writing became like therapy for me, what I wrote just got longer and longer. Eventually, I began to think that my experiences might be of interest to someone else, and I decided to submit what I had written to a publisher. When I then got a pacifier, it was a lot of fun.
In the book Everyone can laugh but me she describes her life openly and honestly: what it’s like to hardly ever be able to spend time with friends and family, how many of her peers get married and have children while she herself spends her days in her apartment, trapped by her pain and OCD.
– For a while I felt “God, now everyone can see how crazy I am” but I’ve gotten over that. This is my life. Mats, who runs the publisher, is also a psychologist and the fact that he is behind the book has also helped me feel safe, she says and continues:
– I hope that the book will reach out and show that this is how it can be and then you have to think outside the box. OCD can be so much more than the diagnosis on paper.
DBS surgery offers some hope
Today marks five years since Amanda Allocco Gossell became ill and over the years she has tried a variety of medications and therapies to relieve her pain and compulsions. One of the methods was CBT, a form of therapy that is often highlighted as helpful when suffering from OCD.
– I know that some people can be helped by CBT, but it has not worked for me. My OCD is so widespread and severe.
Amanda Allocco Gossell tells us that compulsion affects most things. Everything from how she puts on toothpaste to how many times she has to rinse out a bowl and how she moves around the apartment. But she also says that in a way she has gotten used to being like this.
– I survive day by day. It’s a low quality of life but today I can lie down and watch a TV series without panicking.
Since last spring, she has also gained new hope. She has been granted the operation DBSdeep brain stimulation, which in simplified terms means placing electrodes in the brain to reduce anxiety activity. DBS is offered to a small number of people who have very severe OCD and who, like Amanda Allocco Gossell, have already tried all other available medications and therapies.
– I know there are no guarantees, but the operation has shown to have an effect. And if my OCD can be alleviated, maybe my stress will decrease and that in turn could lead to a decrease in my pain as well. It gives me a glimmer of hope.
The message: “Don’t give up”
Hope is also what she wants to send to others suffering from OCD.
– The treatments I have received have not worked for me, but many people with OCD respond to treatment. So don’t give up, but dare to try.
Although Amanda Allocco Gossell has not found any treatment for her compulsions, she has generally been helped by walking compassionfocuserad therapya form of therapy that, in short, is about strengthening self-love.
– The therapy has helped me to feel that I can have terrible thoughts but that it doesn’t mean that I is terrible. I like who I am and I have the same value as everyone else.
