Discomfort is inevitable; no matter how much we try to avoid feeling uncomfortable, stressedor anxiouslife will inevitably throw us situations and stimulus that cause us discomfort and unease. Just as common as discomfort is, so too is escapism from that discomfort. Which brings up an important distinction: escaping uncomfortable feelings can take two forms: soothing or numbing. While both can achieve the desired effect of escaping uncomfortable feelings, numbing tends to be impulsive, unhealthy, and distracting, whereas soothing is typically more measured, healthier, and more focused. Think of it this way: Numbing is akin to covering ourselves with a blanket in order to get away from a certain feeling, while soothing is closer to using a blanket to offer ourselves comfort, warmth, and calm. One is a complete and total escape; the other is an integration of a soothing element.
Numbing
When we numb, we attempt to completely remove ourselves from our discomfort, which, in and of itself, is unreasonable and unrealistic. While reducing suffering is a worthy goal, completely eradicating it is antithetical to the human experience. It is neither possible nor realistic to expect to experience only positive or comfortable emotions. But that is exactly what we attempt to do when we resort to numbing. If, for instance, we get drunk because we are experiencing upset, we are—albeit temporarily—numbing certain emotions and forcing different, more pleasant ones to the surface. Unfortunately, the alcohol-induced feelings of euphoria, relaxation, and pleasure eventually wane, and we are returned to whatever emotional state we were in before we began the numbing behavior.
This is the nature of numbing: Much like drinking to excess, it is any behavioral response that quickly moves us into a different, more immediately tolerable emotional state. This can take the form of many activities, for example, gambling, mindless device scrolling, impulsive or unsafe sexual behaviors, excessive gaming, compulsive shoppingexcessive social media usage, or overeating. These types of numbing behaviors do not create healthy opportunities for coping with discomfort and often come with a high price after the fact, whether it is the physical discomfort of a hangover or the guilt of excessive time spent on a mindless activity. In the aftermath, we may end up feeling even worse than we did when we implemented the behavioral response.
Signs of Numbing
How can we tell when we are using numbing instead of soothing? Here are some considerations:
- Is this behavior meant to reduce discomfort or to completely get rid of discomfort? If my goal is to eradicate all discomfort, I am likely engaging in a numbing behavior.
- Does this behavior involve elements of impulsivity, such as binge drinking, excessive screentime, or compulsive shopping? If there is impulsiveness, excessiveness, or compulsiveness involved, it is likely a numbing behavior.
- Is this a behavior that I do not normally engage in? Often, numbing behaviors are urgent, immediate, not well thought-out behaviors that contradict our normal behavioral responses. Being aware of ourselves going towards a behavior that is uncommon for us can help us to identify when we are numbing.
- Does this behavior get in the way of my daily life? Because of their impulsive, drastic nature, numbing behaviors often create obstacles in our daily lives. It is important to pay attention to whether this behavior is taking you away from daily tasks, responsibilities, and obligations, as numbing behaviors often do.
Soothing
Numbing often leads to further discomfort, while soothing eases the heaviness of what we are feeling without completely denying the feeling. For example, an individual who is under a great deal of stress and therefore decides to take a personal day from work and engage in a pleasurable leisure activity may feel soothed by the experience. There may still be stressors, but the goal was never to completely eradicate the stressors or erase the feelings; rather, it was to make them more palatable and to care for oneself during a time of discomfort.
Part of differentiating between numbing and soothing is recalibrating our expectations of what we hope to do for ourselves during a time of discomfort. Is the goal to feel nothing or is it to simply feel more at ease? When we numb, we are aiming for the former, but the latter is a better, healthier, and more realistic option. Our inner vocabulary can benefit from the addition of these words to help us recognize behavioral patterns in response to discomfort. If I can say to myself, “I am numbing right now,” I may be able to pivot to a healthier form of soothing to get through a time of discomfort. Furthermore, if I can define what “soothing” is for me, I can more easily access ways to soothe when I am in emotional distress.
If you would rather not experience emotional discomfort, you are simply human: None among us enjoys feelings of pain or suffering. But the question of how to cope with these inevitable feelings is vital to our sustained mental health. If we can break the common behavioral responses to emotional discomfort into the two categories of numbing and soothing, we can more readily understand how each one looks and manifests, and how we can ensure that we are seeking soothing rather than numbing during challenging times.
