Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have a great sex life that I love. He gets me off consistently with his fingers on my clit, and my orgasms are body-shattering and euphoric. However, ever since I first had sex, I’ve always been a little surprised and disappointed by how little sensation I feel in my vaginal canal. I can feel a penis, fingers, and toys go in, but once they’re in, it’s sort of a vague sensation of fullness, and nice, but not much. I’ve come to understand this is common for women, the clit reigns supreme, and getting off from penetration alone is pretty rare.
For me, I don’t think this is a size factor, as my previous partners who were men were of average size. My husband’s dick is particularly delightful and above average. I love the feeling of thrusting, I just wish I could physically feel more. Until two recent times …
My husband and I sometimes have sex when he wakes up and initiates. Twice, he’s woken me, and I’ve slowly come to awareness as he touches me, and something about being asleep and slowly waking makes my vaginal canal feel electrified. It’s like I have nerve endings and sensations I didn’t know even existed. Every thrust of his fingers or dick is nearly magical. I feel like I could finish from penetration alone (I haven’t because he’s naturally switched to my clit, as he knows that’s the typical ticket, and I’ve been too half asleep to direct otherwise).
I want sex like this all the time! Is there any way I can train my vagina to have this sensitivity when I’m fully conscious? When I thought “pleasant but unremarkable” was all my vagina was capable of feeling, I was satisfied with it and the delights of my clit. But now that I know I’m physically capable of a vagina that really feels, I want it. How can I crack this code? Or is this just some fluke of REM cycles and brain chemistry?
—Sleepy Sensational Sex
Dear Sleepy,
Professor Guy Leschziner, neurologist, in his 2019 book The Nocturnal Brain: Nightmares, Neuroscience, and the Secret World of Sleepuses a metaphor of attempting to map the ocean floor using a combination of snorkel and visual observation to describe the level of insight we have into human brains. I’d argue that we have the same amount of understanding of human sexual response, and that part of this lack of knowledge is due to the constraints of current neurology. In an email, Leschziner indicated that while we do know genital engorgement—an increase in blood flow to, in your case, your vulva and vagina—happens during REM sleep, we don’t know what that means for sensitivity.
Have a talk with your husband when you’re both awake and share your experiences of these two nights with him. Find out if he’s comfortable focusing on your vaginal canal the next time that the conditions are similar, and, if so, see what happens. You also might think about whether his approach is different when you’re asleep from when you’re awake and see if there’s something you can replicate at other times of the day. Is he moving more slowly or delicately? Is he touching different areas of your body? Lastly, depending on the legality in your area and your feelings on psychoactive substances, smoking, eating, or applying THC in lube might be worth a try—each method will have different effects, so if one doesn’t work for you do consider another
—Jessica Stoya
From: I’m Beginning to Think the Perfect Woman Doesn’t Exist for a Straight Guy Like Me. (Nov. 02, 2022).
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Dear How to Do It,
My wife (45 cis female/bi) and I (43 cis male/bi) have reached an impasse in regard to open relationships. We’ve enjoyed threesomes in the past and last year we decided to go for an open relationship. Through dating apps we each met various people for each other. I met a few people and went on a couple of dates, one of which I slept with. My wife also met a few people online but mainly landed with someone that she already socially knows. They were already social media friends and were already in the habit of “liking” each other’s posts. We live in a large-ish Midwestern town but the arts side tends to be tiny. I was, in my opinion, irrationally upset as my tryst was made to be solo and private (no social media overlap), whereas I felt hers was too obvious to our mutual friends/colleagues and decided (mostly through my own insecurity) that we shouldn’t continue the open relationship. My wife agreed with stopping it all and we both did stop all contact with our dalliances.
But I want to resume the open relationship aspect and need to come to the realization that she’ll have other lovers. I’ve discovered that I have a totally, irrational issue with my wife sleeping with other men. This fear has not come up when we sleep with women so it’s obviously a macho ego issue I’m coping with. It’s funny because I’m the most chill, passive, “beta” guy you’d ever meet. I’d love a bit of guidance.
—Open But Apparently Not to Him
Dear Not to Him,
I’m not sure that the issue you’re encountering is “obviously a macho ego” thing, in a simple and direct way. It’s really tempting to blame everything on the patriarchy and male ego. Generally speaking, our society adores an oversimplified version of Occam’s Razor: ”The simple explanation is the truth!” Your letter is a bit unclear, but it seems as though there were multiple differences between the threesomes you and your wife have had, and this pair of trysts the two of you have engaged in solo. Yes, the person your wife went on a date with is a man. However, these also appear to have been your first dates without each other. And the person your wife went home with is within your wider social group.
When you say you “each met various people for each other” on dating apps, I’m not sure what that means but am guessing that you were picking out potential dates for your spouse, and she was doing the same. So I’m also wondering if you derived a sense of control, and therefore a feeling of safety, from your involvement in your partner’s choice of partners, which was then threatened when she chose a partner she knew through other channels.
The language you’re using—”tryst” and “dalliance”—has connotations of a contained interaction. I’m not assuming that you and your wife are treating your partners like props, but there’s more of an established model for threesome partners as guest stars, and a wider tendency to develop intimacy and rapport with people we’re going on individual dates with. Are you feeling concerned that your wife will become emotionally attached to someone she dates, has sex with, and engages with socially? Are you feeling concerned that you’ll develop a significant relationship with someone you date? Think about how your date went, and your emotions during and after it.
Are you feeling fear of being found out by your community? If you and your wife agreed to be secretive, you might be feeling like a boundary was crossed. If you and your wife didn’t discuss how low of a profile you’d keep, consider whether you made any assumptions that are leading to feelings of violation. And if you and your wife agreed to be public about being open, it may be that you’re experiencing regret about that. Also, think about why you want to engage in an open relationship. Do the introspection—if journaling works for you, great, and if you have a friend you feel comfortable talking about this with, they’re another outlet. Spend some time feeling your emotions. Get your thoughts together, and make a list of the subjects that seem like they need some discussion. I think you’ve got this.
—J. S.
From: We Opened Our Marriage. My Wife’s First Choice Freaked Me Out. (Feb. 22, 2023).
Dear How to Do It,
After an ugly divorce after an even uglier, brief marriage, I have recently reconnected with my high school sweetheart. Somewhat long distance and other issues relating to finances/ability to relocate make this a complicated, tentative situation that we are not ready to be open about.
This is a guy who knew me (in every way!) at my thinnest, and least self-conscious. That wasn’t really THAT many years ago, but it feels like it and it was definitely a lot of pounds ago. He still acts as if he’s attracted to me, but at the very least my self-consciousness can’t be attractive. I’m very much wanting to sleep with him, but hesitating on our rare chances to be in the same state (at the last minute!) because I haven’t slept with anyone since gaining so much weight. Obviously, I AM working to lose weight, but the thought of waiting until I’ve lost enough to feel comfortable is rather heartbreaking too. How do I manage to be brave enough to jump off this cliff?
—Heavily In Love
Dear In Love,
The right person will love you at any size. Bodies change as they get older for everyone—chasing after what you looked like in adolescence as a grown woman doesn’t make sense. You’ve grown up and your body has, too. I’m also assuming since he’s entertaining a long-distance relationship and is keeping himself available for you, he does actually find you incredibly sexy and thinks you’re worth the wait. Don’t torture yourself by waiting another nine months in hopes of achieving a size two.
In order to jump into this man’s bed comfortably, focus on what you cancontrol besides weight loss to build your self-confidence back up. Make those curves work for you and find what style you like best on your body now. I’m a pearso I focus on showing off my waistline compared to my hips. I’ve also spent some time figuring out what colors I like best on me. Now I wear those when it comes to speaking events where I need that extra confidence boost. Finding clothes you feel and look good in goes a long way.
Along with your style, experiment with makeup as another form of self-expression. Buy a new lipstick you like and wear it every time you talk to your man. Try different ways to pleasure yourself so you know what you like and what fantasies you’re interested in trying out. Look at some lingerie (trust me, whatever you’re worried about, he won’t even notice!) to wear around the house and wear it while you chat with him on FaceTime. Be curious about yourself and your body now—and work to find what makes you feel good. All of this will help with your self-confidence so you can finally have all the great sex you want.
—Athena Valentine
From: My High School Sweetheart Is Roaring to Hook Up. But I’m Worried He Won’t Recognize Me. (Aug. 16, 2023).
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