In a culture focused on nuclear families, grandparents often navigate this role alone, figuring out how to support their adult children, bond with their grandchildren, and manage boundaries without a road map.
A community of other grandparents can make all the difference!
The well-documented rise in adult-child-parent estrangement creates stressors for grandparents, too (such as loss, identity change, social isolationand complicated loyalties). It raises the practical importance of grandparent communities as protective resources (for emotional support, practical help, advocacy, and skills for boundary work).
I was recently speaking to a friend who is also a new grandparent, and we discussed the joys of being grandfathers, as well as how rewarding it feels to help our adult children navigate this challenging time in their lives. Given the rise in estrangement between adult children and their parents, we both feel grateful that our adult sons feel comfortable turning to us and allowing us to be there for them. We both acknowledged that we are not the parents and have moved from the driver’s to the passenger’s seat, and how important it is to validate our sons in the ways they are parenting. Our goal is not to end up in the back seat!
I am fortunate to have several grandparent communities where I can share the joys of grandparenting and also have a supportive community if challenges arise with adult children or concerns about grandchildren. So many of my current grandparent friends were there when my wife and I were raising our children. Having these long-term connections with other grandparents navigating this stage of life enriches everyone. When visiting our adult children, my wife and I have met some of their friends’ parents and have formed wonderful new grandparent communities.
Recently, I went on a shopping trip to Ikea with my daughter-in-law’s father. What I mean by a shopping trip is that I was at IKEA and FaceTimed him so we could buy some items for our grandson, who was going to be in the area for a couple of weeks. There is something special about developing this connection with someone I haven’t known for long, but we are going through this incredible journey together as grandfathers to our mutual grandson.
At the same time, what I have noticed in my clinical practice is that some grandparents are resentful of being asked to help out or want to make sure that their adult children “appreciate” and show, regularly, their appreciation. I have often found that old wounds between grandparents and adult children can resurface when a grandchild is born. These grandparents frequently feel isolated, which only deepens the scars and can intensify the negative feelings. I work with many multigenerational families to help them find ways to heal and, hopefully, forge a deeper connection, so they can enjoy the gifts that come with being a grandparent. Often, these grandparents suffer alone, and being part of a larger grandparent community can also help validate their emotions and the grief that most of them experience.
Grandparents need communities just as much as new parents!
Things to Consider
Grandparenting is changing rapidly. Today’s grandparents are living longer, working later, and often have more active roles in their grandchildren’s lives than previous generations. Some provide daily childcare, while others offer emotional and, at times, financial support – frequently from afar. Many grandparents are juggling caregiving with their own careers, health concerns, and evolving identity. In addition, some grandparents may also be caring for their aging parents and feel the squeeze of being in the “sandwich” generation.
These changes have often outpaced the cultural conversations about what grandparenting is now. Communities provide context, validation, and a shared understanding of the various roles that grandparents manage and how their roles are evolving.
Grandparents benefit from a space that’s not the family group chat. Parents have parenting groups. Expectant families quickly find in-person and online communities. But grandparents? They’re often left to sort things out quietly and alone.
A grandparent community offers a place to ask questions without feeling like you’re burdening your adult children. It provides a place for:
- Sanity checks (“Is it normal to feel this nervous about babysitting?”)
- Emotional processing (“I love helping, but I’m exhausted – does anyone else feel this way?”)
- Confidence (“Okay, other people also can’t figure out the new car seat…”)
In these spaces, grandparents can reveal what they sometimes hide from their adult children: the uncertainty, the worries, the desire to do it right.
Shared wisdom helps us navigate boundaries. One of the biggest challenges grandparents face is finding the right balance between being involved and being intrusive.
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
A strong community helps grandparents talk through boundary questions. It helps us:
- Learn what’s developmentally appropriate for young parents
- Understand how generational shifts in parenting affect expectations
- Practice supportive language that strengthens, rather than strains, relationships with adult children.
- Validate others’ feelings when you/they live far away from the grandchildren.
Grandparents who can reflect with peers are better able to show up with patience, flexibility, and generosity with their adult children and grandchildren.
I know that not all grandparents have the opportunity to connect in person with other grandparents. Thankfully, with today’s technology, grandparents who do not live close to other grandparents can connect via online grandparent groups and/or listen to the numerous podcasts available that discuss grandparenting. One of my favorite podcasts on this topic is called “Bite Your Tongue: The Podcast.”
You can also start your own in-person or online community of grandparents.
A New Model of Grandparenting
Just as parents benefit from parenting groups, grandparents benefit from grandparent communities—spaces where wisdom is shared, emotions are normalized, and the complexities of the role are understood.
