In August I saw a cruise to Bermuda. I thought it might be a great last-minute getaway. Before I booked it, I called the cousin and asked if there was any interest in coming along. He said, “Gee, we would have come but we booked a trip to Portugal — the six of us.” Imagine my shock.
He said he assumed we wouldn’t want to go (we’d previously mentioned our son had gone to Portugal and hadn’t liked it). He said he felt bad about it. I was stunned.
My husband spoke with them again a few days later, telling them that we were very hurt and my husband feels betrayed. The cousin’s wife said that she hoped this wouldn’t affect our relationship. They were sorry and there was really nothing to be done. We went on our cruise, and we haven’t heard from them since.
I am heartbroken, my husband is angry. I thought they might have called and said, listen, let’s have dinner together, maybe we could put this behind us, but nothing.
I think they know they did the wrong thing but have done nothing to repair the damage. Do we just write them off?
TRIPPED UP
A. There’s a lot of history here; it would be a shame to write it all off at this point. And it seems that neither party really wants to.
The hurt you feel is understandable. It’s a hard situation to navigate and their behavior is a little confusing. But let’s assume the best intentions running headlong into the worst miscommunication.
If they did, indeed, think you were putting the kibosh on Portugal, even though you also suggested it, it makes sense that they’d plan around you with no ill-intent. Would it have been better for them to just double-check or even let you know? Absolutely. But, as you know, planning with a large group can get complicated quickly.
Take the lead on putting this water under the proverbial cruise ship. Reach out and ask them to have dinner. In advance, think about what you would like from them. Is it an apology or do you simply want to agree to put this hiccup behind you and move forward together?
Q. This is in reference to a letter from a woman frustrated that her mother wouldn’t get rid of anything, thereby making it easier for them to clear her house when she passes (“Overwhelmed by Clutter”).
Twice I have cleared a house after parental death: once my own and once my in-laws. The woman who wrote the letter needs to rethink. Her mother (and father) spent a lifetime acquiring what they own. Taking it away from them before they are ready takes their memories, yes, but it also takes away the child’s.
I don’t care how old you are, looking at an object a parent has saved brings back memories of your life and how you’ve grown. The process also gives you time to linger with your parent’s spirit.
My five brothers and sisters and my four sisters-in-law spent a wonderful afternoon going through things and taking what we wanted. Those things meant something to both the deceased parent and the sibling. When that day (complete with lunch) was over and everyone had left with their laughter and tears, I spent two weeks doing the work of donation, trash, and cleaning. It gave me longer to remember the years and people in that house.
It was a privilege and an honor to do that for our parents. I hope the letter writer gives this situation some grace.
BEEN THERE
A. Thank you for sharing your perspective. The process of downsizing or of clearing a home after a loved one has passed is a complex one, and the emotions are complex as well.
I’m sure you were able to find gratitude throughout. That might not be something that feels accessible to some people, or the gratitude may be subsumed by the stress and grief that also comes up. But your letter is a good reminder of what else can be possible.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at eric@askingeric.com.
