MOLINEUX MELTDOWN
Table of Contents
Top of the league, Wembley trip booked, sweeping through Europe, and blessed with a cushty FA Cup draw – it’s fair to say the Arsenal garden is in full, radiant bloom. At least, it was until they travelled to a wet and windy Molineux to play a match the Premier League surreptitiously slipped into the schedule like a worm tablet hidden in a dog’s dinner. In Wolves, Mikel Arteta’s side were facing a team who are not only the worst in the top flight by some distance, but one who have only recently begun battling to avoid going down as the most awful of all time. Having taken a two-goal lead, the only logical question centred around how many more Arsenal would spank past their hapless hosts. Instead, logic gave way to the objective hilarity of a collective on and off-field meltdown as the Gunners managed to turn what should have been a stroll into an inexplicable 2-2 draw.
No stranger to defending the indefensible, even their head coach was unable to come up with any excuses for his side’s quite extraordinary capitulation to the Premier League’s bottom-dwellers. “I think any question, any criticism, any opinion, you have to take on the chin today,” said Mikel Arteta on the back of a draw it would be fair to say even the most measured and well-adjusted Arsenal fans everywhere are viewing as two points dropped rather than a precious one gained. “That’s it. Any bullet, take it because we didn’t perform at the level that is required. So anything that anybody says can be right, because we didn’t do what we had to do.”
And how! Having gone two goals up, Arteta’s side decided to belt up, button their braces and Arsenal their way to full-time by passing the ball sideways and backwards while wasting as much time as possible, an approach that was working just fine until Wolves went and scored. Apparently paralysed by the fear and anxiety emanating from their tightly wound micro-manager on the touchline, Arteta’s players went on to concede a late, late equaliser following a comical mix-up between David Raya and Gabriel Magalhães that unleashed a tidal wave of Gooner rage and gleeful “it’s happening again” memes.
Either fairly or unfairly, Arsenal have a reputation as Premier League bottlers after finishing runners-up for the past three campaigns. In order to improve their chances of success this time around, they spent a fortune to bolster an already decent squad whose questionable mental fortitude was seen as the only perceived obstacle to them finally crawling over the line. Arsenal don’t just drop points, they perform elaborate, theatrical acts of self-sabotage that belong in a Victorian melodrama. Arteta and his players aren’t just “bottling it”, they are artisanal glassblowers, meticulously crafting the very vessel that may soon contain their own tears. They could still finish the season as champions, of course, but if last night’s performance is anything to go by, a sporting choke for the ages looks more on the cards.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I should never have gone in there. That was on me. That was a bad decision … I’ve got to take ownership of that. It was too soon after Tottenham. Everyone around me was saying [don’t take the job] but it’s the first time I wasn’t working in 20-odd years, and I was lost. They had some good players, and that sucked me in” – Ange Postecoglou accepts he should not have taken the Nottingham Forest job.
“Re: sticking up for referees [Football Dailies passim]. Many years ago, I represented a team called Heroes of Waterloo in the snappily-named West London Amateur FA Sunday AM League Division One. Our favourite referee was “Gorgeous” George Gladwish, who, well into the twilight of his refereeing career, turned up for a paltry match fee and a genuine love of the game. Before every match, he would call both teams into the centre circle and repeat the same mantra “Number one, I don’t care who wins. Number two, I know I’m a [bad word] and I don’t need any of you lot to remind me”. Without people like him, organised grassroots football simply wouldn’t exist. Though if he’s reading this, I was never offside for that goal against Bloomsbury Spiders in 1998” – Andy Korman.
“Steve Plever’s description of American VAR just reinforces what many of us have been saying since it was introduced; use a challenge system like in cricket and don’t let off-field officials interfere. I’d add two other twists: only show replays in real time, and no VAR review can take longer than 90 seconds – if you can’t tell in that time, it’s not clear and obvious” – Jonathan Harris.
“With Arsenal 2-0 up against Wolves last night, Mikel Arteta must have been experiencing a unique feeling of sheer joy and jubilation, and no doubt thinking ‘If only we could bottle it’” – Adrian Irving.
If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Andy Korman. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here.
RECOMMENDED PODDING
Football Weekly Extraaa: Max, Barry, Philippe Auclair and Paul Watson talk Arsenal wobbles, Bigger Cupsets and plenty more. Listen hereor watch a video version here.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
In today’s edition of our sister newsletterTom Garry takes a trip to the National Football Museum, where the Black in the Game exhibition is celebrating black women’s footballers and highlighting their achievements and struggles.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The government has appointed five non-executive directors to the Independent Football Regulator. Mark McCafferty, Kevin Miles, Justine Roberts, Tara Warren and Dr Linda Yueh will each serve a five-year term on the board.
Big Paper exclusive: clubs are still waiting for £185m in solidarity payments from Fifa relating to last summer’s Club World Cup jamboree.
Reminding you why you love football, the Leicester legal battle continues with appeals on both sides. The Premier League wants a harsher punishment for the Foxes, while the club don’t think the EFL can impose sanctions on behalf of the top flight.
Anthony Gordon bagged four of Newcastle’s six goals in their Bigger Cup rout of Qarabag in Baku. The 1,998 Newcastle fans who made the long journey can’t say they weren’t rewarded.
Closer to home, Arsenal kept their Women’s Champions League defence on course with a 3-1 (7-1 agg) win over Leuven. Chelsea await the Gunners in the next round, while Real Madrid booked a clásico quarter-final against Barcelona.
Good(ish) news for Alexander Isak: Arne Slot says the Swedish striker will return from his leg knack in April. “When you are back with the group that is not to say you are ready to play, let alone start a game of football,” blubbed Slot.
Marseille have appointed Habib Beye as their new manager, replacing Roberto De Zerbi. The former Newcastle defender, who spent four years playing at the Vélodrome, was recently given the heave-ho by Rennes.
And Michael Kayode joined his partner, Eleonora, on the Brentford pitch for a unique gender reveal – triggered by a trademark long throw. It’s a girl, by the way.
WINTER WONDERLAND
Did you know that Bodø/Glimt are from a tiny Norwegian town in the Arctic Circle? No one ever mentions it. Well, Kjetil Knutsen’s lads are continuing their quest to put their remote part of the world on the map. Bodø, who are technically in their off-season, were well worth their 3-1 Bigger Cup playoff, first-leg win over Inter at Aspmyra Stadion. Considering their home city is currently hosting the Winter Olympics, Inter showed little desire to play in the cold and now face a shock exit if they can’t turn things around at San Siro. Knutsen, meanwhile, described his side’s win, on the back of victories over Manchester City and Atlético Madrid, as “just a medium performance”. Some guy.
STILL WANT MORE?
John Brewin reports on Bodø/Glimt, PSG’s close call with Monaco and José Mourinho’s dismal behaviour in his Bigger Cup review.
John Duerden on the J.League, where penalty shootouts will settle draws as a temporary measure that could boost Japan at the Geopolitics World Cup.
“He could sleepwalk through a marathon” – former colleagues on James Milner, who could claim the outright Premier League appearance record this weekend.
And if you don’t like the look of the current Premier League table, maybe one of these alternatives will float your boat.
MEMORY LANE
Blackburn Rovers face Preston North End in Friday night’s Lancashire derby, so here’s a bit of proper football from October 1959. Goalie without gloves? Check. Heavy leather ball? Check. Factory chimney in the distance? Of course. Tom Finney’s goal was one of four scored by Preston at Ewood Park that day; they finished eighth, while Blackburn avoided relegation and reached the 1960 FA Cup final, losing to Wolves.
