It’s good to stand up for yourself, be assertiveand set limits with others, right? It’s good to search for love and want to be adored, right? But when does self-focus and desire for connection turn into something pathological—specifically, pathological narcissism? These signs can offer clues.
1. High standards and goals versus preoccupation with personal goals.
It is a good thing to set goals and develop strategies to reach them, but narcissists—that is, those who have diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder or markedly higher levels of trait narcissism—set those goals to the exclusion of regard for others.
Example: Jim wanted to hit the highest sales numbers every month, a trait his boss admired greatly. When a new and scrappy salesperson Jim was supposed to mentor was about to edge him out, Jim intentionally gave him bad advice so he’d lose his most recent sale.
2. Recognition of feeling versus actual empathy.
There is a difference between feeling for someone and feeling with someone. A narcissist may know what it feels like to have a dog die and thereby express acknowledgement when someone else suffers a similar loss, particularly when it is in their best interest to do so. But a true narcissist has a hard time imagining and feeling for someone who experiences something that is outside of their experience.
Example: When Marcie lost her job, she fell into a funk that her husband Josh didn’t seem to understand at all. Instead of being supportive, he tired of her frequent need to talk about it and finally lost his temper: “Snap out of it!” he said. “You’ll get another job.”
3. Seeking connection versus a demand for perfect alignment in relationships.
Everyone wants to be understood by close others, and particularly their partners, but narcissists take a good thing to a higher level. They are often actually offended if others are not exactly aligned.
Example: In therapyTim and Lisa talked about their struggles over likes and dislikes. The husband loved the bright lights and excitement of New York City. The wife liked wide open spaces and fewer people. The husband was mortally offended that she did not love New York the same way he did. At some level, he believed that if she loved him, she would love New York equally and actually came to therapy with this goal in mind.
4. Acting in one’s best interest versus a lack of reciprocity.
A healthy individual may take center stage for a time, but at some point, the person realizes that it’s time for someone else to have a turn. Whether sitting at a preferred seat in a restaurant or getting the best slice of cake, there is a shift away from one toward the other.
Example: Nathan joined his girlfriend at an after-work gathering, still riding the high from his recent promotion, something he’d been wanting for five years. His girlfriend, a CEO for a large tech company, usually dominated the conversation at every party, and he was looking forward to a rare chance at the spotlight. But when his friend congratulated him, she had only one comment: that he never would have gotten the promotion if she hadn’t pushed him.
5. Desire for a connection versus demands for a one-up one-down relationship.
We all want our partners to adore us and love us consistently, but healthy relationships are marked by equality; neither partner has an elevated status structurally. But narcissists believe that they are entitled to a kind of ongoing superiority.
Example: Marcus really enjoyed his friendship with Timothy, especially since Marcus had achieved what Timothy hadn’t: a spot on the U.S. rowing team. The next year, when Timothy managed to not only secure a spot but also take over as team captain, Marcus suddenly soured on the relationship. He found fault in everything Timothy did and even attempted to turn the other teammates against him. Eventually, the coach had to get involved, and the entire team suffered.
Narcissism Essential Reads
Where is the Line?
What makes narcissism a challenging condition to understand is that many of the qualities narcissists possess—like ambition and self-reliance—are actually regarded as indicators of healthy development. A problem occurs when those qualities become excessive or if they lack an essential element.
What makes a quality excessive? Healthy qualities can become excessive. Charisma, for instance, is a positive thing, and most people want to be around someone who is charismatic. But when that charisma blocks out regard for the feelings of others or blocks opportunities for others, something important has been lost.
What does it mean to lack an essential element? A person does a kind thing and is well-regarded for that behavior. However, sometimes a person’s “kind actions” actually serve a selfish purpose—to improve the narcissist’s standing in the community, for example—and therefore grow out of a not-so-healthy core. In this way, narcissism presents as a disorder of a “missing element.”
If someone in your life suffers from narcissism, therapy is always a good option. However, pathological narcissism is difficult to treat, and a relationship with a narcissist can often be unrewarding and even abusive.
First, you should determine whether the relationship can become healthy. Then decide if you should stay or if you should walk away.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. For more information about the development of narcissism, check out my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children.
