Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Good Job,
I work in a progressive public school in a small department where I am the only man. Much of my time is spent in meetings where there is an ever-present thread of, quite frankly, misandrist commentary.
Each day involves some slight against men, from dismissing a sociology paper as a “typical white, male argument” or condescending that men are incapable of child care without constant supervision, to lamenting that they can’t live without men altogether. There’s no consideration that half the things they say would be disciplineable offenses if they swapped “male” out with almost any other group of people.
I try to laugh off or ignore these jibes, as they are not directed at me (being told, “Not you, you’re one of the enlightened ones,” grates though) and are usually not intended seriously, but the thoughtless and pervasive nature of these comments is making me feel both fed up and left out. How can I address this in a way that won’t alienate my female co-workers? Other than this issue, they’re great to work with.
—Men Are From Mars, and I’m Tired of Hearing About It
Dear Men Are From Mars and I’m Tired of Hearing About It,
I’m sorry you’re being subjected to this ignorant and demeaning commentary. If your co-workers thought about how their conversations sound to others, which I’m sure they don’t, they’d probably consider it a compliment that they speak freely in front of you. But it’s no better being “one of the gals” than it is being “one of the guys” when the in-group is bonding over how much they despise the out-group.
I suggest you appeal to your co-workers’ better natures—and remind them of their power. Continue to ignore specific jokes, because if you object to one, particularly in front of a group, they might get defensive or think you’re picking on the latest joker. Instead, schedule a time during one of your group meetings, or use an “all other business” time slot at the end, to talk about this. Start out by warning them, with a smile, that you’re going to be earnest for a moment. Remind your colleagues that one of the reasons you’re all teachers is that you want to help students develop into good people. As teachers, you have the privilege and opportunity to challenge gender stereotypes. Tell them you think your boy students can be just as kind and thoughtful as the girls. You understand, of course, that a lot of the problems in the world are caused by patriarchy, but joking about how men are from Mars just reinforces the gender divide. Tell them you know they mean well, but you encourage everybody, including yourself, to be more aware of these stereotypes and work to fight them. Good luck, and thanks for the A+ question.
—Laura
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