ADHD & Autism: Prejudice, Self-Esteem & Strengths

In short

• Inez Deleeuw explains that many misunderstandings about ADHD and autism arise from assumptions and prejudices in school and media.
• According to her, children and adults flourish better when their environment matches their talents and interests.
• Her work helps neurodiverse people discover self-confidence, self-worth and their place in the world.

ADHD and autism coach Inez Deleeuw works every day with children, young people and adults who get stuck. Not because of their profile, but because of the way our education and our society are organized. In this interview she shares her insights about the persistent misunderstandings surrounding ADHD and autism. Show them why understanding trumps judgement, and explain how we can better support talents, self-confidence and self-esteem in neurodiverse people.

What do you think is the most persistent misunderstanding about ADHD and autism that you encounter over and over again?

The biggest misunderstanding is that people cannot stand still. That image predominates and people are rarely asked why this is the case, or whether this applies to everyone with ADHD. Often a statement is made and it is assumed that it applies to all ADHDers, while ADHD is so diverse. You can actually think of it as a spectrum. Just like neurotypical people; you don’t lump them all together either. The same applies to people with ADHD, autism or giftedness. There are many different types and everyone experiences it differently.

Where does the image of ADHD or autism in the media or at school often go wrong?

At school it often starts with prejudices: if a child has been busy with one teacher, he or she is immediately given a negative label by the next teacher. What the child really needs is not taken into account. In the media, someone with ADHD is often portrayed as busy and impulsive. While there are many people who think outside the box and can use their talents in unique ways. Instead, they are all tarred with the same brush and expected to conform to societal norms.

This has consequences for children with comorbidities (editor’s note: the simultaneous occurrence of two or more conditions in one person) such as giftedness: they often fall through the cracks and end up in special education, despite their capabilities. My own children illustrate this: three of my four children with ADHD, autism and giftedness have received special education. They have talents and interests that do not come into their own in regular education, and often need tailor-made learning to utilize their potential. This shows that there is an urgent need for greater understanding and flexible education options for children who do not fit into one standard model.

Many people see ADHD as “busy behavior”. What are we missing when we simplify it this way?

By reducing ADHD to “busy behavior” we lose sight of the person himself. We put a stamp on someone and forget what that person still has to offer. The label overshadows their talents and unique qualities, making their value less recognized.

Do you see differences in how girls/women versus boys/men with ADHD or autism are understood or missed?

Yes, women are often not diagnosed until between the ages of 30 and 60. This is because they show mirror behavior from an early age: they adapt and adopt the behavior of others to fit into society, even if it does not suit them. Later, for example when they have a family, they experience burnouts, depression or frustration because they do not understand why they are stuck. Only when they meet someone with ADHD or autism do they recognize their own motivation and behavior. Hormone fluctuations during perimenopause or menopause can accelerate this process, often making the diagnosis late.

What happens when we don’t try to “fix” the child or the employee, but adjust the environment?

It is not about simply adapting the environment, but about understanding the person: what is he or she like and what does that person need? Parents or schools often ask: “Fix my child.” In doing so, they try to change the child to what society expects. Without looking at who the child really is. This leads to unhappy children who feel that they have no right to exist.

When we really look at their interests and strengths, for example a strong interest in trains or small facts. Can we integrate these into the daily routine? This keeps the child motivated and involved, instead of simply having to sit still for 40 to 60 minutes. By ignoring this, burnouts, depression, medication use and social costs remain high, while neither children nor adults get the chance to use their talents.

What does adapting the environment require of parents, teachers and managers in terms of mindset?

It requires a mindset that dares to think outside the box. It’s about really looking at the person: what is the child or adult like, what interests them, and what do they need? In this way they learn to understand and appreciate themselves. People were not put into the world to fit in, but to bring value. Only when that value is seen and used can everyone benefit optimally from each other’s talents.

What do you see happening to children or adults when they are finally understood instead of judged?

When someone is understood, self-confidence and self-love grow. This prevents adults from struggling with a lack of self-esteem later on. A lot of pressure is imposed from an early age: children have to meet the standards and expectations of others, such as learning to cycle faster or mastering certain skills. As a result, their own identity is often obscured. Understanding instead of judgment helps people discover, appreciate themselves and utilize their potential.

If you could give one message to schools, employers and parents reading this, what would it be?

Hire a good ADHD and autism coach who has knowledge of the person himself, self-love and self-worth. This helps teachers and employers to better understand children and employees, recognize their own triggers and deal effectively with neurodiverse people. It is essential that they receive sufficient support so that they do not become overloaded. The government should actively invest in this and make additional resources available, because with the current resources the pressure is far too high and it simply does not work.

The teacher shortage makes it extra difficult to properly guide children with ADHD or autism.

Yes, you graduate as a teacher with the aim of helping children. You enter education with that ambition, but instead of receiving sufficient support, you immediately have a lot on your plate. Parents who already have difficulty with their child with autism, ADHD or other comorbidities, count on the teacher to be able to accommodate everything. So a lot of them come into class and the teacher has to sort it out. That is not fair, not for the parents, not for the teachers, and especially not for the child himself. And then you wonder: what kind of adult will that child grow up to be?

Where do you see hopeful developments today in how we view ADHD and autism and where are we still stuck?

In Belgium and the Netherlands we continue to lag significantly behind. I mainly see hopeful signals in an international context, for example in the United States, and through social media where neurodiverse communities are emerging. There I can learn a lot from experiences, studies and insights that have already been further developed elsewhere. To make progress, we must dare to look at how other countries and communities deal with ADHD and autism, and learn from them.

What has working with people with ADHD and autism taught you?

It has taught me a lot of love. I am passionate because I see how much pain it hurts when people feel like they have no right to exist and are “not good enough”. That stamp is learned, while life itself is a gift. My work helps them regain their self-love and self-worth, and from there discover their place in the world. This process has also deeply touched me and given me a lot of love.

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