Should I Stay or Go? Divorce with a Child | Help & Advice

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m struggling with protecting my son, age 11, from trauma and determining the best path forward. My spouse has alcohol use disorder and is not a kind drunk. He is not physically abusive, but there’s a clear lack of calm in our home that causes anxiety, and it’s just not a happy environment. Moreover, as is common, my spouse also is deeply depressed. At times, he has threatened to harm himself and has mentioned it in front of our son. I would like to divorce him, but I fear that’s a fast track for my spouse’s death in the current state, whether through self-harm or drinking himself to death. It also feels like that end would be even more traumatic for my son. At least with my spouse in the home, I have some ability to soften the bad moments and keep an eye on him. My spouse refuses counseling and rehab. How do people navigate the guilt of two terrible options? Allow the status quo to continue knowing it’s hurting your child vs. taking action that may have tragic results and cause other trauma?

—Torn

Dear Torn,

I know it feels like there’s no “good” option here, but there’s an obvious one: You need to protect your son, and you can’t do that by remaining in the home with someone with his father’s condition. Things may not have gotten physical yetbut you have no way of preventing that from happening in the future unless you leave. Your son is being impacted by seeing his dad behave in such a way, and while it is possible that your spouse’s issues will be exacerbated  if you leave, it isn’t right to subject your kid to these conditions. Furthermore, you are not responsible for what happens to your spouse and you don’t need to wait for things to get worse before deciding to protect yourself and your child. Start making your exit plan now.  Let your son know that his father needs help and that it isn’t safe for the two of you to stick around while he’s unwilling to get it. Reach out to family members for support and if necessary, look to local domestic violence organizations for resources. Do not share your intentions with your spouse until the absolute last minute; if possible, schedule your move for a time when he’s out of the house. Don’t give your spouse an ultimatum, as it seems he’s already had plenty of time to get his act together. Don’t argue with him about your decision to leave–tell him you have to do what’s right for your son and GO.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 34-year-old trans woman. For the past 10 years, since I came out, my parents have not allowed me to attend any family functions like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Instead I have gone to the home of my aunt and uncle, who have always been loving and supportive. A couple years ago, I was in a shooting that put me in the hospital for two months. My family all came and visited, and I honestly thought things were looking better for my relationship with them. They all use the right name and pronouns for me now and are mostly respectful.

This summer, I was really trying to build ties with my sister and mom and other members of my immediate family. I began dropping hints about coming to Christmas or something for the first time in a decade. I was trying to figure out a way to plan a vacation with my siblings.

Unfortunately, towards the end of the summer, my sister texted me out of the blue and told me that she thinks there is a bit of a misunderstanding about how involved she wants us to be in each other’s lives. She told me directly that she does not think I am safe, and she does not want me to be at all involved in her (then unborn) daughter’s life. When I tried to ask for clarification, she told me she didn’t have the emotional capacity to talk about it and she wanted to cut off all communication between us. She told me definitively though that I should not come to the holidays or any event where her child will be there. When I asked my mom about it, she basically said they supported my sister, and I just needed to give her space.

I am convinced the reason is because my sister had become increasingly conservative and transphobic since dating her husband, who is a very right wing Trump supporter who listens to anti-trans commentators like Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson regularly. I can’t think of anything I have ever done to her that would make my sister feel I am actually unsafe to be around. I just think they don’t want to have to explain trans or queer people to their child or to have me around her. It really sucks too, because  my sister used to be one of my biggest advocates. She was the first person I came out to. I always felt close with her.

Do you have any advice for dealing with this? I really do want to feel more like a member of my family again. I am concerned about my sister’s slide to the far right. I would love to have a little niece in my life and to be there for her and provide support to her. I’m afraid that if she is in any way different, my sister and her husband will discourage it and treat her terribly. Also, because of all of this, I’ve been afraid to go to extended family events where my sister might be there. I missed my grandmother’s funeral a couple of months ago. I’m afraid of being further and further isolated by my family. My mom says I just need to give my sister time and space and just kinda not talk about it. But this is unsustainable for me as it is; my parents and brother don’t want to feel like they are excluding me, but also want to support my sister’s cruelty. Should I push her for a discussion? I made an Instagram post explaining the situation not long ago, but my mom just got really made about that. Plus my sister and my mom’s excuse for her is that she’s “too overwhelmed with an infant to be able to address this.” How long am I supposed to be excluded from the family before I can demand an explanation? Any advice would be appreciated.

—Heartbroken, Lonely Aunt

Dear Heartbroken,

I’m so sorry that your once-supportive sister has turned her back on you, and that your family is enabling her behavior. Unfortunately, you need to accept that your sister and her husband are not safe people for you to be around. You deserve to be surrounded by people who accept and affirm your identity, and folks who harbor the sort of views that they have cannot be trusted to treat trans people that way. If you want to attend extended family events, you can let your sister know that you will honor her desire to stay away from her and her child, but ask that she doesn’t bother you or do anything to prevent you from enjoying your time with other relatives. However, if your parents are telling you that you should give her grace and abide by her wishes, then I don’t think they’re the ones you should be spending the holidays with anyway.

As someone who has complicated familial relationships, I am grateful to my queer friends for introducing me to the concept of “chosen family”: people who love you unconditionally for who you are, not in spite of it, and with whom you may form bonds that can be just as strong as those we generally associate with blood relatives. Think about who those people are in your life and prioritize nurturing those relationships instead of begging your biological family to treat you the way they ought to. Enjoy Christmas with your aunt and uncle. Love those people who can love you back and let the others miss out on the pleasure that is your presence. Do not debate your identity with your sister or her husband; when their child is an adult, you can reach out and try to establish a relationship then. But for now, you need to be respected and protected and neither of those things can happen when you’re in the company of people who would deny your humanity based on your gender identity.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

What is your take on expectations of women these days? I can’t tell if I’m a total dud or normal, but I feel exhausted by the expectations of me. I am a mother of a young child, and this is my main priority. I do all the parenting (literally), and my husband’s only expectation in this area is to say hello to our child when he gets home. You could argue that this dynamic is my fault, but among my friends it’s actually pretty common that the mom does the lion’s share of parenting.