Vanessa Valenti, co-founder of the feminist website Feministing, had a different perspective. "I think it's pretty sexist," she told me. & # 39; You might as well & # 39; no people say, you know? But sexist behavior exists offline, just like with dating apps. This is just another medium. "She added:" I think that unrealistic expectations have been set for women to be helpful in their relationships at all times. "
Mrs. Valenti said that when people say they don't want drama, "they signal others that they are unable to observe and honor someone else's feelings." She also expressed concern that the numbers are higher, at least on OkCupid, the younger the men get.
"I wonder if it looks more like online dating app jargon, making it potentially dangerous, since the more it is used, the more it is normalized as a common feature of a attractive partner and what a desirable partner should be. be, "she said. "Are we a precedent of the emotionless partner who has no needs? In my opinion, that would create a culture of pretty disastrous relationships. & # 39;
Would it not make more sense for men and women in the dating world to look inside and develop compassion for themselves instead of trying to control the drama outside of them? "When you have suffered this serious way," Dr. said Mark Epstein, a psychiatrist from New York City and a Buddhist author, "you can see the suffering everywhere if you don't pretend it isn't happening to you."
He said that the growth that comes from looking honestly at your challenges and problems – in other words, being vulnerable – also makes people better partners. "You could actually be more available, more open, more able to be with someone else as a result," Dr. explained. Epstein.
I also wonder if people mean it when they say they are looking for "no drama." Imagine "Romeo and Juliet" without the struggling future in-laws and "Brokeback Mountain" without the resistance of society against two men in love. Or & # 39; Casablanca & # 39; without the return of Ilsa & # 39; s man, not to mention the Nazis who visited Rick's bar. Sometimes love becomes sweeter in contrast to the hardships.
Maybe we are all simply overloaded with drama, and online profiles reflect what we experience in the world. We live on a planet whose climate is warming up quickly. We are waiting in fear of the next massive shooting. We have a president whose tweets raise our heart rate daily. In a 2018 American Psychological Association survey, 69 percent of respondents reported that the future of the nation was causing them stress – six percentage points higher than a year earlier.