“You can only find love once you love yourself.” In these times when self-love has been weighed -probably- as never before in human history, at least in public conversation, It is likely that we have heard this phrase more than once. And although it ignores the fact that self-perception and self-esteem often entail important work to break with one’s own history and at the same time with social mandates, its primary meaning appeals to something that seems to make sense: that our ability to be aware of ourselves, is directly related to our disposition for love.
This is how Clarissa Silva, an American scientist who has dedicated herself to researching behavior, explains it. He says in an interview published in Elite Daily, that It’s not realistic to demand that you love every aspect of yourself, but it might be realistic to demand what you deserve in a relationship and not settle. “Self-awareness is one of the keys to the decision-making process of our relationship. When you are aware of yourself, you will find what you accept for yourself and what helps you decide who, when and how to love, ”she explains. He adds that a lack of self-awareness can lead us to accept a relationship or love that is less than we deserve.
The psychologist Loreto Vega agrees: “Whether she loves herself or not, anyone has the right to create bonds, to receive support and containment from their friends and their environment, even to have sex-affective relationships. However, it is probable that the latter are not entirely satisfactory if self-love does not exist in it. And is that when you love yourself, you know and appreciate who you are, at the same time you are able to identify if a person is right for you and then start a deep supportive relationship with a partner ”. He also says that the fact that you recognize that you love yourself does not mean that you need a romantic relationship to complete yourself. “Some people are happier not to be committed because they consider that their friends and family are the only bonds they really need. A romantic partner can be an addition to a healthy social ecosystem that already works and in that sense, having a sex-affective relationship could improve our lives, as long as we do not feel that the structure would collapse if it were not there ”, he adds. It has to do with not losing sight of the fact that we are our own emotional container.
From there, Clarissa Silva states that there are certain signs that tell us how ready we are to start a relationship. One of them is to be honest with ourselves to the point of knowing what we really want when we bond with someone. “To have enough coherence towards our desires so as not to settle for something else. And at the same time, take responsibility for our defects, because loving ourselves does not mean boasting of our own virtues, much less burying all our defects with shame so that we never have to face them. Quite the contrary: truly loving ourselves means being aware of our failures, accepting them, and actively striving to improve. An attitude that will be essential for a future good relationship ”.
Accepting the past is also key to starting a bond. “Many people carry a great burden, which is their past, especially if previous relationships have not worked as expected. This is a drag that, in all likelihood, will have an echo in any future relationship. But it is necessary to understand that failure is not a stigma, we have all suffered it. Accepting it and understanding it as part of growth is crucial to having new and better relationships ”, says the expert. And finally, it states that individuality is necessary. “Many people when they are in a couple are coupled, in this idea of the better half that is completed once they meet, but that is a danger. If you don’t know yourself well enough to know what things you love to do, you’re bound to grab a potential partner like a tick. A very toxic lack of autonomy. Therefore, and before taking the step, it is good to make sure that you enjoy the world for yourself, so as not to turn your future partner into a life saver. That suffocating pressure never ends well ”, he concludes.