Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for three months. We talk regularly about our future together, but there is one thing that gets in the way.
His ex, with whom he broke up almost eight months ago, continues to text him.
At first it was nothing to worry about: they were simply text messages that told him when he would send him money payments he owed him.
Lately, the messages arrive almost every day, saying things like: “I’m having a bad day, please answer this when I see it. I don’t know who else makes me feel safe.” Or: “I can’t wait to be with you again, baby.”
He has been very open with me about the whole thing, allowing me to read his messages and telling me every time she sends him text messages.
He never answers her text messages unless it’s money, but her big heart gets in the way when she tries to manipulate him to speak to her.
I am looking forward to sending you a text message and telling you to leave it alone, except that I know it would be an excess step and it could mean that your money would no longer be returned.
He says he will block her on all platforms when she has paid him.
I worry that she will never return the total amount to have a reason to talk to him.
The new girlfriend
New girlfriend: Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by being transparent with you about these text messages. The disadvantage of him being so open with you is that you have assumed this drama.
You should not contact her. First, this is none of your business. You do not own this man; You have no right to tell someone not to contact you.
However, it seems to me that a “I can’t wait to be with you again, baby” message should be received with a single “We have separated. It’s time for you to move on” message (from him).
If he is passing it even passively until she pays him, then he is being almost as manipulative as she is.
You don’t mention how much money you still owe, but your boyfriend should let his ex continue paying his debt and then consider suspending all contact, when he still has a minimum amount to pay. Forgiving that last payment could be the best for everyone.
Dear Amy: Our son-in-law “Steve’s stepfather”, “Tom”, is a man with whom my husband and I have had a cautious but cordial relationship for many years.
Over the past year, Steve and Tom had a great fight and Tom is forbidden to have contact or relationship with Steve and his family (our daughter and our grandchildren). We support Steve’s position on this, since there has been a problematic relationship between them for many years.
Tom and his wife, “Martha” (Steve’s mother) are having marital problems but remain together for now.
We all live in the same city and have held many joint family gatherings (birthdays, holidays, etc.) over the years, until this recent crack.
Now Martha joins the family social gatherings alone, so we haven’t had interactions with Tom for more than a year.
Soon Steve, our daughter and grandchildren will move out of state.
We’re not sure how to continue supporting Steve’s family by not socializing with Tom once they are gone. We have always had a good relationship with Martha.
Now that Steve and his family are not present, should we continue to exclude Tom?
What do we tell Marta when we invite her to meetings or if she invites us to her home where Tom could be present?
It’s complicated: “Steve” is entitled to exclude his stepfather and ask him to exclude him if Steve and his family will be present in his home.
However, Steve does not insist that he should also exclude his stepfather when Steve is not even in the state.
You must behave in the way that most honors your independent relationship with “Martha.”
Dear Amy: Oh! I thought you were too hard on “K in Colorado,” the older man who is frustrated because many people assume he is his son’s grandfather. I hope you are reconsidering your answer to him.
Chopped “K” used his frustration for this as a justification for belittling an overweight woman, in the presence of his son. I think I needed a reality check.
2020 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency