Baby Forgotten in Car: Trust & Recovery

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Something happened yesterday that has shattered my faith in my husband’s ability to safely care for our 14-month-old son “Isaiah.” My husband had been out running some errands with our son when he came home and unloaded the groceries, but forgot Isaiah in the car! Our next-door neighbor just happened to come out to check the mail when he spotted Isaiah unattended in the car and called my husband. Luckily, he hadn’t been in the car very long and was fine, but I am still shaken. Is this grounds for not letting my husband take the baby unsupervised until Isaiah is old enough to speak up?

—Mortified Mom

Dear Mortified Mom,

Yikes. That’s a scary scenario. You have every right to feel shaken. This could have been a thousand times worse and your husband got very lucky that it wasn’t.

Does your husband recognize the gravity of what he did and how lucky he was? If he just brushed it off, you have an even bigger problem. Something tells me that he didn’t just brush it off, though. If you know about this event, it means that he told you.

Assuming he told you what happened and understands what a giant mistake it was, I’d call this strike one and tell him there is no strike two. You don’t need to make him feel unfit as a parent when you talk about this. Parenting is hard, we’re all tired, and it’s a team effort. If he’s sleep deprived and being forgetful, he can still do a whole list of helpful things that don’t put your child in danger. Make the conversation about Isaiah’s safety, not your husband’s negligence.

Waiting until Isaiah is old enough to speak up doesn’t seem realistic. Your husband’s forgetfulness shouldn’t mean you have to immediately sacrifice all your time and be the only parent that is with the baby one on one. Hopefully this slip-up has him scared shitless and he will put Isaiah top of mind (way before groceries) going forward.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the parent of a very tall, emotionally sensitive 7-year-old boy, “George.” Since starting kindergarten, he has LOVED school, and this love of learning is something his dad and I really try to nurture. However, second grade has presented a new challenge: He’s recently come home saying he hates school, and I’ve had to pick him up early on several occasions the past week due to behavioral outbursts.

In trying to understand the root cause of these outbursts, George shared that he doesn’t like school anymore because he always gets in trouble at recess and “it’s not fair.” What seems to be occurring is that the recess monitor is observing interactions (rough and tumble tag, hide and seek) and assuming George is one of the 5th graders terrorizing the younger kids! He has been large for his age since birth, in the 100+ percentile despite being born three weeks early. He’s embraced his “bigness,” often telling folks surprised by his age that “he’s a big 7!”

His teacher has said as much and apologized for the misunderstandings, but this doesn’t help ease George’s sense of injustice at being in the presumptive wrong in every peer interaction on the playground. He feels that no matter what, he’s going to be the one to get in trouble and it seems a group of peers have used this to their advantage in going to the monitor when they don’t get their way during play.

We love George’s school; it’s a wonderful public school doing the best they can with the resources they have. I’m looking for advice on how best to advocate for my child without the perception I believe he can do no wrong—he does need reminders to be gentle with his body! The recess monitors are variable and often substitute teachers ,so I’m not sure how to best convey that, despite being a foot taller than his peers, George is still only 7 and deserves the patience and grace that other 7-year-olds are afforded. I also want to help George be comfortable and confident in his body, not self-conscious of his size.

—Mom of a Big 7

Dear Mom of a Big 7,

Ah, recess. You can’t be there, and the teachers who know your kid best usually aren’t either. A perfect recipe for a whole new set of adults to misunderstand your child.

Getting your message through when there is a rotating staff is going to be difficult. I think your best bet here is to have George advocate for himself. He’s already comfortable saying that he’s a “big 7,” and you should have him preemptively tell the recess monitors this. Work on a short speech he can give to the recess monitors. Something like “Hi! I’m George. I’m only 7. I’m just a big 7! If you see me playing with smaller kids, it’s because they’re my classmates.” You could also create little cards with this on it for George to give to the recess monitors, if this doesn’t seem like something George can handle (talking to adults is a good skill, but can be really difficult).

But it sounds like the monitors are only part of the problem. Having his classmates throw him under the bus doesn’t sound good, either. Talk to George about his interest in trying something else at recess for a little while. It sounds like between the monitors and his peers pointing fingers, playing the games he’s been playing hasn’t been very fun. Are there kids he’s friends with that would want to play another game?

On a side note: having to come home early due to behavioral outbursts is concerning. Even if George is unhappy about what is happening at recess, he shouldn’t let it take control of his emotions to the point that he needs to be sent home. Work with him on learning to control his anger and talking it through rather than letting it manifest itself in outbursts.

—Greg

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I was recently on a flight where I was seated behind a family with a toddler. I was trying to read my book, but the child was playing games and loud music on his tablet. (That “Baby Shark” song actually slaps but makes it hard to concentrate on anything else.) I leaned over and politely asked the mom, who was in front of me, if her child could use headphones or turn the volume down. The mom told her kid, “You’re annoying people! You have to use headphones.” The dad got the kid headphones, which he used for a while before unplugging, which I totally understood, because he was a tiny toddler and toddlers like to unplug things. The mom then literally told her son, “People are mad at you.”